Sunday, December 28, 2003
the best feeling in the world is waking up while the aircon is still on, curled up in your bed wearing sheepy time pyjamas. yep, those sheepy time pyjamas really make you feel all tough and ready to face the day.
anyhoo it's sunday again, which means i get lots of skincare advice from my relatives over at my grandma's house. by the way they talk, you'd think that i spend every single day going at my face with a pneumatic drill.
| mando | 6:44 AM
Thursday, December 25, 2003
my ode to christmas:
shopping malls on christmas day
shit scared elves fall down to pray
as somewhere on the bottom floor,
the hordes gather at santa's door.
kids sit and stare and ask and laugh
while posing for a photograph
"your nose's like rudolph's! where is prancer?"
santa burps a drunken answer.
while santa sits there all hung over
kids ask for barbies and range rovers.
then they throw up in santa's lap
and santa curses christmas crap.
merry christmas everybody!
| mando | 5:50 AM
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
it's probably all right to drink water before you watch lord of the rings : return of the king. you may not have to run off to the loo because all the water would pour out of your eyes. everything was terribly touching. it would have been even more touching if yucai wasn't laughing knee-slappingly at all the death scenes. and there was hardly any legolas! they had to put in a few gratituous legolas shots of him standing there looking serious while someone else was talking so that we would have something to look at besides the fat hobbit! its a good thing that frodo was the titchy little one carrying the ring. can you imagine carrying sam up mount doom? anyway pippin should cut an album. and he should also marry me. i figure we should be about the same height which would make for convenient smoochies.
today xingning came by with a huge apple strudel all the way from perth! thanks xingning! it's so big that it will probably feed my entire extended family for a few months. and thanks everyone for all the birthday presents!
| mando | 5:46 AM
Sunday, December 21, 2003
today i am old enough to drink! too bad i don't like to drink. i like to watch r(a) movies though and it will be a while before that happens. everybody who still thinks i am very decent please forget that previous sentence. anyway it was a good birthday because we all went to yum cha and caroline tried to hide the enormous birthday cake box from me behind her butt. unfortunately her butt is rather small so i saw it anyway. then we walked around aimlessly and talked about embarrassing topics loudly in public. heh. it was a blast. then i went over to my grandmother's house hoping that someone remembered my birthday and would give me an ang pow. however all i got was a warm greeting from my grandma that went something like this "you're back ahh? still got pimples? (pushes my hair back) ahh still got." don't you love your family? luckily my cousin came over and corrupted me with her water bottle of vodka and we ate a bunch of liquor chocolates and now we are laughing at dust bunnies under the bed.
and happy birthday mom! my wonderful mother was born today on the 22nd of december! tomorrow i may attempt to cook her a burnt egg and some dropped toast.
happy birthday to jianyang also! he's finally a woman. congratulations jianyang! hope your eighteenth year kicks the asses of all the rest of your years!
| mando | 9:13 AM
Friday, December 19, 2003
europe is fanbloodytastic! the paris metro is full of passages without escalators so you need to climb the equivalent of the matterhorn if you want to change trains. i saw two paris women start bashing each other with their shopping bags and scratching each other's eyes out at the opposite side of the metro tunnel. was very happy that they were not on our train. wonder why. ate a nice french dinner with creme brulee which i finally managed to crack with a teaspoon
! i thought that lucerne would be like a little cobblestoned village with people in corsets walking around eating nutella out of 3kg jars but its just like every other town except it has a pretty bridge in it. that and a 360 degree view of the alps in their full snowcapped glory. went up to mount titlis (appropriate name because it is -20 degrees up there) and tried to build a snowman but it is impossible to scrape together more than a snowball before your fingers drop off from frostbite. eventually we started smuggling snowballs into the restaurant to throw at my brother. then it was italy time where all the italian swear words i learned came in useful because i could understand what the busdriver was shouting at all the other drivers. what is fantastic about the leaning tower and the basilica is that it is sillhouetted against a vast background of nothing. no skyscrapers, no big annoying train tracks, no starhub blimps running around. we walked by at night and had the one of the seven wonders of the world all to ourselves. florence is the prettiest place ever. its full of bridges and massive half naked statues by michaelangelo and marketplaces and ice cream parlours and you feel like you're walking around in one of the stills of cinema paradiso
. rome looked like new york, but with more graffiti. more italian curse words to learn! and also a bunch of roman ruins scattered all over the place. you can't take two steps without coming across a bunch of rubble that used to be the roman senate or a big pile of rocks that used to be julius caesar's old folks' home or something. its totally cool. we went to vatican city and i think i am going to be smote down for telling so many pope jokes in vatican city.
if anyone has 50 thousand dollars to spare, please buy me one of these
because they are the cutest things in the whole world. everyone uses them in europe because the parking situation there is horrendous and with one of these smart cars you can park in a space the size of your little pocket!
i realised that some families that go on tour groups are excessively annoying. there was an extremely loud family of four where the parents kept pointing out stuff to their kids. look at that building! look at that cathedral! look at that huge-ass mountain that is right in front of your face but i assume that you cannot see for yourself without me broadcasting live to you! i swear their children are going to sail through life not noticing if terrorists barge through their house burning and pillaging unless someone tells them about it. and they apparently consider themselves terribly seasoned travellers because they have been on every single guided tour group in the history of mankind. you know the kind of people who like to ask questions they already know the answers to, answer them, and nod their heads. very clever, children! let the nice guide who has been showing people around europe for 13 years give you a pat on the head! our guide was fantastic. we were extremely educated because he sounded like he has thoroughly masticated every single book on european history ever. cool beans! let's go again!
| mando | 11:38 PM
Thursday, December 11, 2003
i'm taking off for paris tomorrow to freeze my big fat buns off! so far my packing consists of throwing random articles of clothing from my cupboard into a suitcase. my mom had the good idea of putting some clothes for each of us into each suitcase so that if one gets lost we won't have to go stark naked in the middle of a very nippy winter. unfortunately for me i packed my clothes in plastic bags of tops, bottoms, and underwear. which means if i am very unlucky i may be trotting around paris in my underwear which gives superb coverage at sub zero temperatures! anyway after paris we will be going to switzerland to look at cows and after that head off to italy, where i can tell everyone that they are breaking my balls (che rottura di palle!) and maybe i can wave to the pope. see you everybody!
| mando | 4:50 AM
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
prom is over! it was pretty fun but they should have just stuck us in a nice, brightly lit room without tables getting in the way of our nice dresses and nice suits! and instead of paying 65 bucks for dinner they probably should have invested in a free flow battery and film counter where people could periodically reload! anyway everyone looked hellafabulous! there were a whole bunch of really nice unconventional dresses like gwenda's funky retro dress and jialin's fab abs dress and koky's flared black dress and sida's sexy short dress! my favourite shirt of the night was dehan's funky stripey orange shirt that looked like a candy cane! and tziyang was looking fabulous with eyeshadow that was tons prettier than mine!
anyhoo we had a nice room at shangri la hotel with a posh toilet that we had to take a posh toilet photo in! then me and caroline and xinyi and huiyi went to the chantal goh studio to do our hair and stuff. chantal goh may sound like a very appropriate cocktail waitress name but her studio is actually rather good! they stuck little flowers in my hair and everything and made it look pretty nice, considering the flowers were from the wet market down the road. and caroline and me had our eyelashes permed. its a really really fun deal where they stick a really hot curling iron in close proximity to your eyeballs! then after all of us got all pretty we headed back to shangri la with our permed eyelashes!
and then it was one big ball of taking photos and taking one bite of cold dish then running off to take more photos then taking one bite of mushrooms then running off to take more photos! caroline kindly helped me approach cute guys that i have been ogling for eternity and now i can look at them forevermore in my album!
the prom king and queen were pretty much a shoo in. abd our very own ghim is mister congeniality! now he can fight crime at beauty pageants and wish for world peace! whoohoo go ghim!
then after everything we changed carefully to avoid messing up our hairstyles only to find that even if we hit ourselves on the back of our heads repeatedly with sledgehammers, our rock hard hairstyles would still stay in place. then we went to walk around and visit the guys in their hotel and relieve them of their many cans of raffles beer. then we went back to shangri la and drank some beer and amused ourselves for the rest of the night watching people on tv running around a track many many times and finding it strangely funny. twas a magical magical night. xinyi laughed for about ten minutes continuously!
so this is the end of jc. its so final. but its nice that it ended with everyone looking gorgeous in a nice hotel!
| mando | 6:35 AM
Saturday, December 06, 2003
love actually is fantastic! i invite all hot british guys to come to my door and tell me stuff with signboards. unless you want to tell me stuff like "damn you're ugly!" or "i think you're a failure" then you should probably stay away.
two people just had an accident right outside on my street! there was this loud por por-ing noise and this big bashing noise and then there was the sweet sound of arguing. then i poked my head out of the window to see better and discovered an old dried up cockroach outside my windowsill! i just know today's going to be an exciting day.
| mando | 11:12 PM
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
i wish clay aiken was a fly on my wall. then i could smack him.
| mando | 7:10 AM
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
everybody listen to josh groban! unfortunately you'll have to stop everything you're doing to listen to him. because people bash into things while listening to him on their discmans. people miss mrt stops because of him. people get off at the wrong bus stops because of him. or maybe its just me. anyway my point is, just make sure you don't operate any pneumatic drills while you have his cd on. i'm way too old to be having a crush on a singer. but then again middle aged mid-afternoon talk show hosts paw him so i may be wrong.
| mando | 4:04 AM