Friday, February 28, 2003
i am very sad. my hamsters hate me. they keep trying to bite the fluff out of me and they keep jumping away when i try to pick them up. in the week i have had them, i have picked one of them up a total of twice, with a lot of struggling and flinching to stop them chewing me. and now i read some hamster information on the internet that says i have been picking them up wrong and that they havent come across any untamable hamsters yet. think again buddy. yingjue just got the same kind of hamster for her birthday (happy birthday yingjue!) and he is sweet and non-bitey as anything. he ran up my arms! all my hamster does is chew on my shirt and me.
| mando | 6:35 AM
Thursday, February 27, 2003
i learnt a new phrase today. to my great big "cool" vocabulary list that consisted of "just messin" and "what's kickin?", i have now added "duckaduckaducka"! its what you say when you get excited. its fun to do because if you do it long enough you get tongue cramp.
today is angela's birthday! happy birthday to the man! it makes you happy to think that eighteen years ago something very nice happened which is a nice person got popped out of their moms and are here now! duckaduckaducka! i finally got to give her her amanimal which is a big egg with legs and blue eyes with eyelashes. she also got a nice watch and a nice stuffed elephant that dickson did something obscene to.
i just watched american idol and am confused by the strange hand sign that the strange fat white rocker man was making. i can't figure out whether its a hawaiian sign for "hello" or a rocker sign for "piss off". and the large black judge and the pouty black girl called juanita got into an argument because apparently they didn't know who each other were. a whole one and a half hours of confusion for me.
| mando | 5:22 AM
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
today is huixian's birthday! whoopee! happy birthday huixian! we ate a nice chocolate cake today in five minutes flat. we were trying to hide the cake from huixian so caroline and everybody went to talk to huixian to distract her. unfortunately caroline was holding the plastic cake-cutting knife and because it was waving around while caroline was talking to huixian, huixian knew that there was a cake to be cut!
i thought i was making some progress with my hamsters by sticking my big hand into their cage every day to let them get used to the big hand but now they are just either nibbling my big hand or running away from it. can anyone tell me how to bond with my hamsters? it used to be so easy when i was cruel to them when i was little. grabbing them violently is so much easier than building a hamster relationship in which all they want to do is chew on my thumbs.
| mando | 4:49 AM
Saturday, February 22, 2003
xingning has given me my hamsters! muchacha has white patches on his arse and cucaracha has a grey mohawk stripe down his back. both of them dont seem to want to claw their way out of the cage, which my old hamsters liked to do. but then cucaracha is very zippy and whenever i try to pick him up he disappears and reappears somewhere else. so i tried to outwit his brilliant hamster brain by waiting until he climbed into his food bowl and then picking up the food bowl so he would have nowhere to run! but then he jumped out of the food bowl three feet onto the floor. luckily the fall stunned him so i could finally pick him up and put him back in his cage. maybe i should drop him until his reflexes slow down altogether. and they like to run around in the hamster ball violently banging against furniture. am still praying that they are not mating.
watched chicago yesterday with xingning. catherine zeta-jones is a maneater! i like her. tempted to cut my hair short and give myself a nice man-eating fringe! and wear fishnet stockings! and dance around on a piano! and walk around outside letting people laugh at me! and who knew that richard gere could move his legs so fast? now i'm going to go around breathing sexily and saying "whoopee" in a breathy voice. whoopee.
| mando | 8:26 PM
Friday, February 21, 2003
the second most annoying thing in the world is to have itchy feet. and itchy hands. and a whole bunch of other itchy body parts. like i do now. the first most annoying thing is to have itchy body parts AND a strange rash so i look like im on my way to leprosy! whoo! during PE i was very actively running around, mostly because that helped scratch my feet. and i have been walking around heavily to help scratch my feet, which altogether doesnt do much for the glamorous image that i have been cultivating over the past week.
my mom told me to listen to the radio because it was a good topic and she is amused with the term "strident rhetoric". well i am amused by the term "buttmonkey". buttmonkey! hehhehhehhhehh.
have downloaded american idol clips. i dont know why the judges complain about their job. what could be better than to be paid to watch people sing in horrible voices and make snide comments? there are tons of worse jobs. at least they dont have to wrangle things out of people's toilets.
| mando | 4:57 AM
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
laxative effect still ongoing! i have to keep skipping to the loo. its either that or sit still groaning. i think it was the egg sandwich. stall one is poisoning me slowly. and at the rate at which my toilet paper is disappearing somebody needs to go shopping very soon.
angela's birthday is next week and i cant hardly wait to give her the amanimal i made her! it has legs!
today metro gave us a token of appreciation for collecting lots of money for Laos kids. apparently Laos kids have no schools and stuff. anyway it is a "limited edition denim bear" which they call the "berry beary bear". huh. what an intelligent and imaginative and meaningful name! anyway xingning has got a very authentic third world country bear in that its arms have both fallen off. i'm still waiting for my other token of appreciation which is ten bucks so i can pay my class funds.
| mando | 4:26 AM
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
something is still having a profoundly laxative effect on me and since i have stopped taking the antibiotics i cant think what it is. and i have having some weird sort of itch so i have to stop at inappropriate moments to scratch inappropriate places (the small of my back, you sicko.). if anyone can figure out a way to be glamorous while clutching my stomach in between scratching my shoulder, please tell me quick!
today during pe we played some volleyball in some squash courts. volleyball is a very loud game, especially when it is played by many excited china girls. fun!
| mando | 5:11 AM
Monday, February 17, 2003
let me sing you the song called "ode to pms"
oohh pms i hate you
you make me piss everyone off
whoo la la la la la
you stupid bunch of hormones
-big guitar finale-
thank you, thank you very much. my next single, "i run around laughing for the heck of it" is coming out shortly!
anyway today we cut up a big tough pig's heart. i am proud to say that the heart that angela brought for our group was the least old and decomposed of the lot! hooray! so we stuck our fingers down all the blood vessels until the smell got too strong for me and i had to go away. i think i will have to bring copious amounts of impulse body spray when we cut up cadavers if i go to medical school. either that or i will major in interior design.
| mando | 5:01 AM
Sunday, February 16, 2003
the antibiotics are having a profoundly laxative effect on me.
| mando | 4:31 AM
Saturday, February 15, 2003
yesterday we all went to the beach and played with my frisbee, which eventually got stolen. then we stole someone's volleyball and ran around trying to hit our hands with the volleyball. and then we played in the telematch, which we eventually lost but got all high and sandy after carrying tennis balls clamped between our arses. then we watched some horrible singing during the talentime. i think it was horrible mainly because those little men with the little hammers and the little anvils were banging away inside my head again because i discovered that i was down with a fever of 39.1 degrees. im quite proud that i didnt collapse into a delirious pile on the floor! go me! there was almost a freestyle rap battle but because both of the competitors were not black and were not eminem the lyrics either didnt rhyme or sounded like they came out of the mouth of a largish purple dinosaur. and friends.
then we walked up the "challenge trail" to the chalet. and i realised that there is always a good reason for the names they give the trails in sentosa. it was even more challenging while lugging a large bag of nonsense up the hill. luckily shawn was exercising his gentlemanlinism and i only had to carry a sword named excurlybur up the big hill!
then we went cycling in the pouring rain to pick up a bunch of pizzas from a very annoyed pizza man. and the fever had made me all annoying and complainy and whiny and i kept complaining about how suntan lotion was getting in my eyes and i kept spitting out suntan lotion and complaining how the dead bugs from the road were all over me. i even pissed off myself! so sentosa's a bunch of fun, huh? anyway did you know that you can get lots of fun hand cramps from holding a pizza across your handlebars while cycling uphill? how shawn managed to hold two while steering in the rain with one hand and go faster than everybody is quite beyond me. but then he has very long arms. and legs. i was the most cautious cyclist i have ever been because yesterday i saw some girl slip and scrape off half her face on the asphalt and she had to be carted away by three management guys on golf carts. and it is really hard to cycle handsless in the rain. if my bicycle at home had not been copiously watered until all the major bits disintegrated into a pile of rust i could have practised steering in the rain without scraping off my face on the road.
but then after panadol supplied by jianyang i was a lot less annoying and kianleong taught us how to play mahjong. then we played truth or truth because everyone was too lazy to do dares after gen counted kianleong's abs and jianbang expressed his affection for jianyang. then i missed out on two hours of juicy truths because they made me go to sleep on account of my face looking like a tomato.
| mando | 5:50 AM
Thursday, February 13, 2003
tomorrow is valentines day! and once again i dont have to bear the burden of going out on a date! yay me! instead we are going to lie on the beach in beach clothes that dont include spaghetti strap shirts and slippers to suntan and get t-shirt tan lines! i am going to dig a big hole on the beach and sit in it and make my beachmonkeys serve me hand and foot. and then we can build sandcastles with my sandcastle building set! i wish i had my hamsters so i could make them king and queen of the castle! or king and king of the castle! or queen and queen of the castle! how do you find out if your hamster is a boy or a girl? but then they would probably burrow their way to pulau tekong while my back was turned.
speaking of hamsters xingning was supposed to bring them over yesterday. i wanted to go to her house and get them but she wouldnt let me! and then she had to study so she didn't bring them. but i didnt know that, so i put in the bedding and spent the day furnishing my hamster cage and staring at an empty hamster house. and then my visiting relatives looked into the cage to see what was living in it and they found nothing! and then they started looking at me all funny. anyway i have settled on "muchacha and cucaracha". betcha cant say that ten times fast.
i am taking up cross-stitching! i found two cross stitching kits at the bottom of my drawer and they have noah's ark and a chicken on them. but then it may take awhile because i have been trying to thread the needle for a long long time.
| mando | 5:13 AM
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
today i got an email from stanford university. apparently i have demonstrated substantial academic potential, and they have invited me to participate in a course where i can learn faster than the rate at which the school is teaching me stuff. well, once i happily skip through the huge pile of undone work left over from last year which i dont understand yet, i'll go take a rocket science correspondence course!
so today i went to the airport to study for my chemistry test and exercise my substantial academic potential so that i can play with my hamsters in peace tomorrow and enjoy my hajihaji! it was quite nice to ride the mrt train that smells like you're in an aeroplane and pretend that you're flying off and away from chemistry tests and all that substantial academic potential that you're supposed to have. and they have put in these huge athletic yellow fish into the aquarium to antagonize sammy the eel who is still hiding in his little hole. he never moves! doesnt he ever get pins and needles?
today i learnt the hip and funky phrases "what's kickin?" and gen just taught me "just messin!" i think i have discovered that leaving out the 'g's is the secret to being cool!
and i watched a documentary on shirley temple. it must be hard if you live in ghana and the same person who is ambassador extraordinaire to your country was once a singing tap dancing soldier named wee willie winkie.
| mando | 8:22 AM
Monday, February 10, 2003
on account of being a fat disgusting lazy slob i haven't been telling you everything i've been doing for a few days. so now i will tell you that a few days ago we watched hamlet in half an hour. i learned that hamlet likes to flush his uncle/stepfather's head down the loo, likes to write raps, has a girlfriend who pushes a shopping trolley around and looks depressed and likes to stick her fingers down her throat, and that everyone in the whole saga eventually dies. hooray. what a cheerful uplifting play.
then we paid a "bard" a buck to read kianleong a love poem and we said it was from someone else. i picked out the poem and it kept going "yadayadayada we must GRAB each other! yadayadayada we must GRAB each other!" hee. hee. hee. at the end of it kianleong asked if he had to pay! i should have pocketed his dollar.
and then today nothing interesting happened except i have got calluses on my hands and i must go and find that bottle of jergens now.
| mando | 4:25 AM
Sunday, February 09, 2003
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
hehheh.. got this from gen's
site. i hope everyone looks at this. i'm putting out "please Q-up" signs outside my gate now.
| mando | 4:03 AM
Saturday, February 08, 2003
You are the Figher Femme
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizilla
man, im pretty! and i have a cool sword! men, please dont be intimidated by me and my cool sword.
| mando | 6:21 AM
today the judo girls went to eat japanese food at a little place called sumo-bento! it has pictures of big fat sumo men on the wall so you can look at them and feel thin while you eat a lot of jap food. how thoughtful! anyway i ordered a tempura platter expecting many nice big prawns to be tempuraed, but instead they only gave me two prawns and tempuraed assorted vegetables. and because the tempura is covering everything you cant see what is inside so i bit into a nice juicy capsicum. aiyeeg. so i drank more cups of free green tea to make up for them cheating me.
| mando | 6:13 AM
Friday, February 07, 2003
i have got my hamster cage! it is purple and has a tunnel for the hamsters to run around in. i now have sawdust, food, a hamsterball so that it can run around trying to get out of it while i laugh and point and say "so cute so cute!", wood chews to satisfy its chewing needs, a drink bottle to satisfy its drinking needs, soft shreddy bedding to satisfy its sleeping needs. so i have everything except the hamsters, which xingning is giving me soon! thank you xingning!
anyway while i was at the pet shop just now i kind of regretted my hamster decision. because the whole place was lined with fuzzywuzzy chinchillas, fuzzywuzzy rabbits, fuzzywuzzy guinea pigs, fuzzywuzzy mice and more assorted fuzzywuzzy things. so i will have the hamsters first, then i will work my way up to more fuzzywuzzy things and eventually get a nice little dog like the one who accosted me in the pet shop. chinchillas have little hammocks for them to swing in. i dont have a hammock to swing in! i have been busy toying with the hamster names "bert and ernie" and "chiquitita and muchacha" or "muchacha and cucaracha". also "lilbit and amelie" which dont really go together. actually i should just pray very hard that they are both sterile.
| mando | 4:33 AM
Thursday, February 06, 2003
for the past few days i have been walking around inviting people to touch my head before the impressively-sized bump goes away. its starting to fade, so i figure i have about one or two more days to impress people with my battle scars. however when i tell them the story behind the bump they usually think i am retarded. and instead of touching the bump lightly and whistling in admiration, some people like caroline press the bump and make me jump around going ouch ouch ouch. so in the next two days all of you are invited to touch my head! but please dont make me jump around again because its not glamorous!
and yesterday we went to lao yu sheng! for those of you who dont know what laoing yu sheng is, its when you buy a plate of shredded vegetables and pour keropok on it and pour raw fish on it and pour oily lemon sauce on it and then pick it up and drop it with chopsticks and mess the whole plate up while yelling auspicious things. eventually we ran out of auspicious things to say and the raw fish refused to be messed up so we started wishing ourselves "success to arruba! (arruba cheng2 gong1!)" and if you all dont know what arruba-ing is, refer to my previous post about lampposting. heeheehee. poor bang.
| mando | 2:57 AM
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
today we walked down to the pet shop after school to find my hamsters a home, but the pet shop refused to open to furnish my hamsters, so we had to go to this cafe, secret recipe, to eat stuff. they had nice crispy fluffy alphabet fries! i amused myself by trying to eat my own name and yelling at people when they were about to put my initials in their mouths. i got as far as AMAND, then i ate an R pretending it was an A. so effectively i have eaten my own name! just call me AMANDR LAM!
kianleong got us all a chalet for valentines day! yay! it has three bedrooms and a kitchen and a barbeque pit! and its good that we have a chalet because they said that the wet weather plan was that they were going to drive all of us to sentosa anyway in the pouring rain and make us hide under huts until the sky stopped raining. if it never stops raining we can hide out in the chalet instead of wandering around illegally in shangri-la!
| mando | 4:33 AM
Monday, February 03, 2003
skipped off to shawn's for a nice steamboat dinner today! first we had to go and buy the food. and everyone was late except me and shawn, the two spoilt brats who dont know a fishhead from a brocolli. so we aimlessly walked around and looked at assorted balls and leafy things until jingle and xingning got there and the men who cook, bang and dickson, got there. then we bought too much food, and then we went back to shawn's house. we washed lots of things and cut lots of things with blunt knives. apparently shawn hasnt done much cooking in a couple of million years. jianbang tried to cut a "pig's tail" which looked more like another unmentionable organ of a pig. what on earth are the good people at NTUC trying to bluff us into eating?
then we plugged in the steamboat and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. and then we popped the fake nonalcoholic wine and drank it and then i was walking around holding my glass and i slipped and fell into shawn's sliding door. my head had a sliding-door-edge-shaped bump after that. dickson and shawn were nice enough to make me an ice pack using a plastic bag and a towel and lots of absurdly shaped ice
from shawn's refrigerator. everyone kept telling me to rub my head, which i would have done, except that my head had a very painful bump on it. when i came home it was quite hard to wash my hair and i will have to sleep on one side of my head for a long time.
and then later on a big cockroach emerged from underneath jianbang's steamboat. and we had a nice cockroach smashing party. how on earth did the cockroach manage to camp out under a sea of flames when my face was getting roasted a metre away from it? no wonder they'll be able to survive a nuclear holocaust. and then when we were washing up, another cockroach emerged from underneath jianbang's steamboat! very appetizing. i guess the two of them were having a reunion dinner too. anyway the boys had another nice cockroach smashing party.
| mando | 7:52 AM
Sunday, February 02, 2003
today is the last day of the chinese new year holiday. its the last day i will be able to wake up at 4 hours past my normal waking up time. it is the last day i will be able to smile when i brush my teeth because i know after i brush my teeth i can go back to sleep again. but on the bright side, tomorrow bang suggests that we will go and mess up a bunch of shredded vegetables and raw fish with long long chopsticks at ghim moh for fun! yaay!
i am done sewing, and this time i did a lot of sewing by hand and not using the machine so that means that my fingers are full of holes. so i am typing this with poor perforated fingers.
yesterday i painted my thumbnail a horrible shade of chrome pink. i could feel my iq drop a few points. the pink nail is still staring at me and laughing at me. so i will go and scrape it off now.
| mando | 6:27 PM
Saturday, February 01, 2003
i just had a dream that all of us were at the prom, and the girls were wearing pretty dresses, and the guys were also wearing pretty dresses! yucai was wearing lemon yellow taffeta, jasper was in white, and kianleong looks very nice in lilac! and jasper and jianyang were going around telling all the girls that they looked very pretty, and all the girls said "you look very pretty too!" i may have to be a therapy a long time.
| mando | 4:59 PM
today is chinese new year! so here's a big dong dong chiang to everybody! i had a nice red packet haul. and then i went to thanksgiving service as church to give thanks for the nice red packet haul. i also juggled some oranges for my little cousin michelle and then played "roll the orange" and "stack the orange" with her. she was wearing a nice cheongsam top and a twirly skirt! except that she didn't twirl, she just toddled around and fell down a lot.
and then my dad made us go on our yearly pilgrimage to carrefour which is the only place open today. and i bought a lot of things that will make me fat. like creme brulee! now i can crack the top with a teaspoon just like amelie poulain! i gotta go find a teaspoon. and i also bought socks to make sock monkeys. if you dont know what a sock monkey is, neither did i until two days ago! these are sock monkeys.
i couldnt find any socks with a red patch to make a monkey mouth because they dont sell them in singapore, so i guess my monkeys will have to be mute. and they will have to put up with stripey bodies.
| mando | 5:00 AM