Thursday, June 30, 2005
i joined the two michelles and diana for bike riding at east coast, and we had to go on a day when all the triathletes were busy practising for their Big Day of Masochistic Physical Activity. me and michelle foo were pedalling happily along the bike track leaving a trail of saliva behind us while thinking about the duck rice and pig knuckles and oyster omelette we were about to have for lunch, when all of a sudden we were left in a cloud of dust generated by 5 triathletes who whizzed steadily by us. they didn't even slip on our trail of saliva. i could feel our egos collapsing like a bad souffle. it is when i start using food metaphors to describe my level of physical inactivity that i know that i should probably cut back on the creampuffs and start making friends with the elliptical machine.

rehearsals have been going at warp speed, and songs are being generated at the rate at which GP teachers pop out babies! (for those of you who don't know my GP teacher, this means that songs are being produced very fast.) i keep going home with Operation Theatre songs rattling around in my skull, and after a while i have to play the I Like To Move It Move It song to replace the operation theatre song, which on retrospect was not a good idea because i spent the other half of the day with Ali G telling me to be Physically Fit. the musical is really coming together and everyone is such a joy to watch. and we have an awesome director, chenseong (who brings us food! food is good. stomach is happy.) the songs are amazing, and it really bowls me over to think that people (justin and cuiling) roughly our age are doing this. it makes me ashamed of my charming piano rendition of mary had a little lamb.

me and iancredible (now minus afro. you can actually see his face now!) decided to go watch the world get messed with by aliens. nowadays a lot of movies seem to be about the world getting messed with by aliens. we're such wimps. being the intellectual that i am, i read the pocket penguin illustrated children's book and it really wigged me out and i spent a few minutes per day after that hiding in a safe place under the coffee table and sucking my thumb when nobody was looking. i wonder what actually happened when HG Wells decided to punk the public with his alien invasion radio reports. "ladies and gentlemen. do not be alarmed. the earth is being invaded by three-legged aliens. okay, actually i think it might be a good idea to be alarmed. please feel free. the bottom line is that you all are all going to be fried and frizzled and roasted to crispy little pork rinds in a couple of days." and one depressed and gullible guy who happens to be a member of the NRA decides to put the pistol in his nightstand to good use and does the whole goodbye world bang kerplowie routine. "and by the way this has all been a big fat joke har har happy april fools you suckers. this is the end of our broadcast. thank you for your kind attention." last night the deejay saved my life! uh huh!

Tom Cruise is always cast as The Guy Who Never Dies. his house is right in front of the place where the aliens pop up. he runs wild and free in the path of Deadly Laser, and Deadly Laser fries everyone to his right and left and doesn't even give tom a wedgie or anything. and being The Guy Who Never Dies, naturally he spawns immortal children who inexplicably survive the whole alien holocaust. but i kind of enjoyed watching tom cruise and his cockroach family scurry around on earth showing us how we're all cocky about having opposable thumbs until aliens come around and blow our heads off.


| mando | 11:15 AM

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Monday, June 27, 2005
thursday was the start of the big fat mango sale, the day of the year that makes husbands and fathers huddle in a corner and rock themselves back and forth with their thumbs stuck in their mouths muttering under their breath about credit card bills and second mortgages! michelle called me up the day before and we started planning for battle. we could have had a armyish rendezvous with a map and little plastic polly pocket figurines to push around the map instead of little toy soldiers, but there wasn't time. she and mama lim picked me up the next day at 7.30am and we got to orchard just in time to see half the women in singapore about to mob the flagship mango store along scotts road. the other half was probably chained by their ankles to their window grilles by wise husbands who'd learned from their errors during the great mango sale 2004.

anyway we went to the isetan wisma branch just in time to get trampled on by a lot of athletic young women who have probably been taking lessons from german weightlifters in anticipation of a lot of handbag grabbing. you'd never imagine that these wild animals fighting over a size 4 skirt would be wearing it to a nice restaurant the week after with their legs demurely crossed under the table using the right forks for everything. imagine cramming a bengal tiger into a halter top. michelle got elbowed in the face a couple of times, but i was wiser and i ran to hide behind a rack of horrible pastel pants so i avoided any major injuries. ran into half the world at the sale, including karen, sabrina, moira, and kerliang! the mango sale. bringing people together like chinese new year reunion dinners never could.

today i got a surprise sms from lynn the eurotripper! eurotrip is apparently going swimmingly although they are now stuck on a really uncomfortable train ride to nice. zhongyang may have enough legroom but i'm not sure about isaac. anyway lynn zhong isaac and liana! you guys better get home soon and fill me in about your adventures gesticulating obscenely to all those italians riding around on their vespas!


| mando | 8:01 AM

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005
today i went out with nat jean and denise for dinner and to watch batman. but we never got to see the now-nippleless batman, because we had to evacuate the building.

we were sitting around in Mos burger in Plaza Sing waiting for nat to get here from work when a friendly mos burger server came up to us and quietly said, "hello ladies. i think you all have to leave now, because the building is on fire."

and of course according to efficient evacuation procedure, we replied, "huh? what?"

and friendly mos burger server repeated again in a voice you use to speak to newborn lambs and suckling puppies, "i think you have to leave the building, because there is a fire in it."

i am just glad that the fire was not in the mos burger kitchen, or the four of us would have been as crispy as chicken wings by then. we walked out of mos burger into the haze of smoke in the main atrium and saw everyone escaping from Plaza Sizzler. and we decided to do whatever it is people do when escaping from a burning building. if you want to be more accurate, we decided to do whatever it is that insane people do when escaping from a burning building, which is to take pictures while still inside it. below, denise and jean realise that fires are dangerous.


"AAAAAAAAHHH!!! PS is on FRIKKIN FIRE!!!"

i called nat who was in the toilet freshening up from having to find the correct shoe size for datuks and datukessess all day, and she fled PS and met us outside starbucks where we took a picture with the flashing lights of the fire engine to commemorate the day when PS burned down.


nat looks very happy about the fire. i love these girls!

since we couldn't watch broody mcbatman anymore, we went to a restaurant next door and had a good dinner by the flickering warmth of the burning building. later me and jean went back in to buy nailpolish and realised that the nailpolish store was one of the few stores that opened back up after the fire. you'd think with all those flammable bottles sitting around they'd be the first to scoot. then we realised that with all the confusion of escaping and taking photos and having fun at dinner, we forgot to loot any stores! i could have gotten me a new pair of shoes!

i just went to watch mr and mrs smith with tauhuay teo on sunday to see brad and angelina in all their homewrecking glory. lordy they are hot together. and adam brody returned to true sethly form while playing a hostage dude. i loved how adam had on a Fight Club tee shirt when brad was busy smacking the crap out of him. genius! then i had an evening of catching up with my gorgeous judo girls and getting loot from all of the people who went on holiday! luohan and mingli got me a little tofuman keychain from taiwan who wears an eyepatch and looks evil! huiyi got me a bracelet and a little pouch from thailand that is supposed to chase away mosquitoes. thanks guys! i will enjoy tofuman while wearing my bracelet and having mosquitoes drop dead in a little ring around me.


we can all kick your ass. and we're pretty too.

anyway i am thinking that tom cruise and katie holmes are mildly insane and are in need of immediate psychological help. asylum type psychological help. not premarital counseling kind of help. tom cruise's women are just getting younger and younger. first nicole, then penelope, then katie. just hurry up and date dakota fanning already. we all see it coming anyway.


| mando | 8:52 AM

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Monday, June 13, 2005
i was just having a completely out of point conversation online with mc. we were discussing blog privacy, and how it would be if we registered our blogs on remote islands in the middle of the pacific ocean so we could talk about things that would get us into trouble, and not get into any trouble for it. mc wanted to register his blog on Palau. but what would a person who lived on Palau write about? "the coconuts are fresh today." "the monkeys are growing longer tails." "the fish are jumping happily." "people are walking around naked." after discussing the day to day lives of Palauians, we were wondering what Days of Our Lives would be like if it were shot in Palau. like sand through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives. and if it were shot in palau, the sand in the hourglass could actually come from Palau! and hourglasses are made of glass. glass is made of melted sand. one only has to locate the prerequisite volcano on the island, fling sand in it, and create hourglass. then you could go about having children you don't know about, trying to take over the family business and sell it to someone mean and nasty, and have affairs with many people, all while making evil Mr. Burns fingers. i only hope Palau has enough water and coconuts to sustain everyone for twenty million episodes.

and while huixian was trying to find maxwell food centre for our dinner tomorrow, she discovered that it is near the Madagascar consulate! Madagascar has a consulate? in case careless lemurs come to singapore and lose their passports? the last two sentences were the product of not having read the newspapers properly for ten years.

since we are on the subject of remote islands which have palm trees sticking out all over them, i am now addicted to Lost. the minute the polar bear came out, i was hooked. damn that polar bear. and damn that french lady saying mysterious things that i do not understand. watching it with my dad beside me is a pain, because he complains throughout the entire show. it is hard to hear what jack the doctor is saying when my dad is saying things like "haiyoh, how come they crash on an island their clothes still all nice nice one? should be ripped! and how come they can find so much of their luggage? they should have less clothes!" it disturbs me that my dad wants to watch half naked people run around on a beach. i should have just changed the channel to Star world so he could see Baywatch instead.


| mando | 5:29 AM

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Saturday, June 11, 2005



tickets on sale now! operationtheatre.com

doesn't our publicity postcard just kick some major ass? our production team and cast are working really hard. keyboards are being abused. stomachs are being empty. blood is being sweated. please buy tickets, yall! it was worth giving up eurotrip to do, it's worth giving up your friday or sunday nights to watch, and it's worth your fifteen bucks! please support the local impoverished singing and dancing unpaid labour! extra donations for a singing and dancing pirate can be deposited in a coffee can which will be put outside the doors. do your good deed for today and help to support me in my old age.


| mando | 6:29 AM

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005
michelle has just told me she is not moving!

i am proud to declare that michelle is my oldest and most loyal eastie friend. we used to take bus number 14 home together from rgs in the days before nicoll highway fell down, protect each other from being trampled into a bubbling pulp on in the mrt home from orchard, and mooch rides off each other's wonderful mothers from all over the country. until she told me she may be moving to a godforsaken luxury condo in the middle of town, i never realised the enormous importance of having a good eastie friend like michelle! and when i was thinking about the impending movingawayness of michelle, i realised that we do not take advantage of living in the east enough! we are 4 bus stops away from each other, and we have never :

1. eaten a tuesday waffle at gelare
2. waited eternity and half an hour for the east coast road bak chor mee
3. gone to east coast park for the sole purpose of sticking twigs into the bicycle spokes of unsuspecting fit cyclists and watching them flip over

it is indeed a tragedy. it is like living under a table in outback steakhouse and being a vegetarian. it is like being a nun in Chippendales. it is like making a lot of metaphors that nobody understands. please disregard those last few incomprehensible sentences. anyway now that michelle has decided not to move away and is instead converting her entire apartment into the polly pocket dream party house complete with a dance floor that rotates when you turn one of the lamps, i have decided that we must do more eastie things together! i have found a new lease on life. expect to see a lot of toppled cyclists near the beach soon.

congratulations to caro who just passed her driving test after a harrowing drive where a mean taxi driver horned at her because she was hot! but the intrepid testee han caro managed to evade the comfort death star and now she is full of legal driviness! now that you have passed, you have now entered that sacred zone which is known as 'mom riding shotgun and criticising your every turn of the steering wheel-ville'. but it is a fun ville where you get to bond with your mom, except you have to do it while turning your wheel exactly 18.5degrees to the right.

nat put a picture on her blog for me! oh the love and happiness. come back from church camp soon with your halo on so all of us can go out and stuff our faces!


| mando | 7:45 PM

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Sunday, June 05, 2005
i've finally put all my philly trip photos on shutterfly, and you can take a look at them riiight here! please to enjoy!


| mando | 8:30 AM

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Saturday, June 04, 2005
yesterday lynn took me and michelle with her to the great topshop sale, courtesy of wayne's fashion fast forward card! thanks wayne and lynn! there was the longest line to the fitting room ever. it was like all the chinese and indians in the world joined hands and decided to try on a mountain of tank tops. it was great. i think one of the scariest things in the world is a crowd of girls who all wear size 6 unleashed in a topshop sale. stronger and scarier than a thundering typhoon.



happy hunters

mc just told me that he read in a hongkong magazine that hongkong has a new cult where you have to pay to get in, and all members have to wear yellow. i think it will be a hell of a flop in hong kong, because 1) asians do not like to pay to get in anywhere and 2) yellow clashes with our complexions. and yesterday lynette told me what was in that anti-fur video that i don't dare to watch and that everyone is talking about. apparently a fuzzy little cuteling gets ripped out of his cozy cage, and gets smacked repeatedly against the ground until it gets really dazed. then while still alive, he gets his entire skin peeled off him whole until he only has his eyelashes left. it baffles me why they can't just kill the cat before taking his skin off. because if you kill it before you skin him, his fur will get stale? this world is getting weirder and weirder. maybe the world is going to end, like on hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. maybe i should go and ask some smart dolphins when exactly the world is going to end so i can grab a towel and lie down and put a paper bag over my head. unfortunately all we've got around here are those diseased-looking pink dolphins that don't even look smart enough to tell you when the next mango sale is.

my high-quality imitation adidas bag from petaling street that lynn carried home for me isn't so high-quality after all. the straps are falling off and soon i am going to have a large strapless black pvc pouch. if i had a very strong armpit, or a hand the size of a fully-grown elephant, i could use it as a clutch. but now the bag is as useful as an armless legless tailess polynesian turtle. i am sad.


| mando | 6:18 AM

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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
on my way home from a jog i passed my two little neighbours standing around outside on the street holding badminton rackets and talking about star wars. they were having a really serious discussion about star wars which went something like this :

"how come obi-wan cannot kill anakin one?"
"because obi-wan is old already. anakin is still young. so he cannot die so fast. anakin must live longer than obi-wan, because the old one must die first. so obi-wan cannot win anakin."
"but then yoda is also old one what. then how come yoda can win everybody?"
"i tell you! you listen! yoda is the mastermastermaster ok? the mastermastermaster surely can win everybody! one million darth vader he also can kill them until they die!"
"i think cannot. yoda so small. somemore darth vader got metal arm. can punch yoda's face."
"but yoda so small, that's why so difficult to punch one. that's why he is the mastermastermaster."

i was very amused and had to pretend to do a lot of stretching in my yard so i could eavesdrop on them. i remember when we were little and we had serious discussions about the planeteers and the power rangers. i wanted to be the planeteer in charge of wind because i had a crush on the one in charge of fire. and we had long and important conferences about whether the yellow ranger was better than the pink ranger, and whether it was better to fight with michaelangelo's nunchucks or leonardo's sai. (yellow ranger and nunchucks for me.) kids may seem cute when they talk about stuff like this, but a week or two or incessant little pony comparisons and most parents would be ready to hurl their kids into a forest to be suckled by a she-wolf. i'm so glad my mom didn't leave me in the wilderness. i would have been eaten by a cult of rastafarian lemurs in two minutes.

speaking of rastafarian lemurs, we went to watch madagascar yesterday! it's only an hour and twenty minutes long! what gives? if you don't have more story, at least give us a bunch of filler! i would be perfectly happy to sit around and watch those penguins slap each other around for fifteen more minutes. lynn was very excited when the penguins and the baby lemur popped up. the giggles of lynn were heard far and wide across the cinema! i would like to be a monkey, so i'd have an excuse to fling poo at people.

today i tagged along with the three hot mamas, nat jean and denise, to go to little india to do some eyebrow threading! we went to Rupini's Sea of Tranquility and disrupted their tranquility by excitedly taking pictures of each other's expressions of agony. the things we do to stop ourselves from looking like chewbacca. after being lost in little india for awhile, steaady nat drove us to orchard where we dropped denise off and had a nice relaxing lunch and went off to explore the great singapore sale again. we passed the toy exhibition at taka, and there was a little sign telling us that if we wanted to see the madagascar stage performance featuring 'the psychotic penguins', to please come back at 4. i am thinking that 'the psychotic penguins' is a really good name for a band. anyway i had a really good day, and now i am going to introduce my mother to a nice brown man called russell peters!


| mando | 4:32 AM

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