Saturday, May 31, 2003
congratulations to all the ruggers who made the ACJC team piss in their pants! you guys did good!
congratulations also to xingning who makes a fantastic nun who eventually marries the president! uh. yeah. love the wimple!

today in the morning my mom took me to get an xray to make sure that the bump wasn't a hairline fracture. the xray table is very cold. and also i do not have a hairline fracture! yay! lots of praying makes you not have a hairline fracture!

then my mom and me went for a free high tea at hyatt hotel. and i finally fulfilled my childhood fantasy of DRINKING FROM A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. yes. A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. litres and litres of molten chocolate just running around in that fountain. ever since i read that book about charlie and all those oompa loompas i have wanted to drink from a chocolate fountain. my mom dropped a strawberry into the chocolate fountain by accident. i think that strawberry must be the happiest strawberry in the world. as soon as i have five thousand dollars to spare i'm going to get one of those.

and we went to bobbi brown where a nice makeup artist girl gave me a "free" makeover and lots of makeup tips. she's good at euphemisms. apparently my skin is "textured" (ie : my skin is rougher than asphalt). i like her. i highly recommend bobbi brown to anyone with a deflated ego.

| mando | 5:51 AM


Friday, May 30, 2003
i'm freezing in the library now and because i'm wearing slippers i can see that my toenails are blue. actually i think its because i'm wearing slippers that my toes are blue. anyway i was in the library twice today. i hope you think that i'm very intellectual. if you want to keep thinking that i'm very intellectual you may not want to read the next paragraph.

i was in the library to play insaniquarium! its a fun game! the boys introduced it to me yesterday and i think i'm going to fail my A levels. its actually a very realistic game in which you maintain an aquarium and you feed the fish and the fish get bigger. and the big fish release money after you feed them and then the fish get bigger and keep giving you more money and then aliens invade your tank and eat your fish and there's a lot of cursing involved when you play it.

i'm heading off to rugby finals now to work my way to a blissful state of skin cancer and melanoma. and then later i'm coming back again to watch xingning finally act in a non-male role in measure for measure! go xingning! i think she makes a very realistic girl.

| mando | 1:30 AM


Thursday, May 29, 2003
today jiayan introduced me to the piano room! we went in there during break and dickson the piano playing hunk played some piano for us and we had a singalongsong. i wowed everyone with my moving rendition of mary had a little lamb in C minor! by the time i got to the part where he followed her to school one day i think everyone was holding back tears.

i just had a good grapefruit eating experience! you know how normally when you eat grapefruits you have to wear protective goggles because when you start eating it that little piece of fruit becomes an almighty juice cannon and you can't get the pulp out of the grapefruit? with this one the pulp came right off the insides like meat off a bone! maybe its a frankenfruit and they spliced grapefruit genes with chicken drumstick genes.

bump update : it's still there. i am annoyed.

| mando | 6:13 AM


Tuesday, May 27, 2003
today at starbucks i realised that teachers really take an unhealthy amount of joy in reducing their students to a weeping ball of crap. two lady teachers were sitting behind me marking compositions and talking very loudly. they kept sharing happy anectdotes like "so i told steven/joseph/benghan" "so i shouuted at them" "so i stormed out and it felt so good". i hope those two dont meet more than annually because if they shouted at steven/joseph/benghan so much in the span of one year, if i were any one of those three guys i would make sure that those two ladies walked around with "the principal is a fat balding weasel! fire me!" signs on their backs for awhile.

anyway i improved my SAT score! this is weird because i'm a person who explains the word "malestrom" by shaking my hands around and saying "brrrooom!!!" very loudly. good luck to everyone who's taking the june SATs!

| mando | 6:23 AM


Sunday, May 25, 2003
today i did flag day to raise money for the courage fund. its only on flag days when you realise the true power of a little can! it can make people suddenly change direction! it can make people flee! luckily it can also make people 'dong' money into it. with my winning smile and my peppy voice i managed to get people to 'dong' into my can until it was tiring to carry around. i was really peppy today. i was all "hi, would you like to help the courage fund? thank you so much! have a nice day!" "hi, would you like to help the courage fund? oh you said yes but you walked away really fast? thank you so much anyway!" "hi, would you like to help the courage fund? you're shoving your hand into my face? why, thank you so much!" so me and huiyi terrorized the people at bugis until we couldn't stand up and then after that we bought many many drinks to make up for saying "hi, would you like to help the courage fund?" many many times. after that when we turned in our cans and were walking around before going home i kept having this strange compulsion to walk up to people and ask them for money.

the light in my bathroom is broken so i had to bring my mickey mouse christmas light into the bathroom to make sure i didn't condition my hair with mouthwash. but it wasn't bright enough so i washed one arm with shampoo before i realised my mistake. my arm fuzz is going to be soft and silky tomorrow.

| mando | 5:08 AM


Saturday, May 24, 2003
today i had a good day at training because i used my newfound skill which i named the "bishybashy skill". but then mr tan the coach thought it was a good time to kick my newly-resurfaced bump which incapacitated me so much for the rest of the training that i had to do one-footed burpees. i think when he kicked my bump the bump retreated back into my leg or popped or something and now there's a huge patch of bruising and swelling all over. mr tan has good aim! anyway i look like i've been abused by my parents. i hope no social welfare workers come up to me tomorrow and threaten to take them away from me! i think that's why my dad was so nervous when i showed him my bruise patch.

tomorrow i'm going to be selling flags at millenia walk so if you're going to be walking around there buying expensive things, please give me some money! i don't know where exactly i'll be, but i guess you could just look for people running away guarding their wallets.

and i think its very disturbing that the ad above this post is trying to sell me anabolic steroids.

| mando | 5:20 AM


Friday, May 23, 2003
i just realised that when he's dressed all in white, ruben looks like a swiss alp!

the other day i tuned in to passion 99.5 because i read in gp class that they were losing money and i decided to give them some sympathy listenership. it was 10.50pm and i was really happy because they told me they were playing "all night jazz". after two songs of jazz the guy came on the air again and told me "all night jazz. passion 99.5. broadcast times, 7am to 11pm." and then i heard "marikita.." i feel so cheated.

| mando | 7:13 AM


Thursday, May 22, 2003
american idol is over! and after announcing that clay aiken has won over the states of north carolina, ohio, and new york, the big black guy still won! so today i've learnt that north carolina and ohio and new york aren't that big.

"even though i sweat enough to fill the indian ocean before i get to the first chorus, i'm still the american idol!"

my mother of all bumps is gone because my mom told me to elevate my leg and after elevating it the bump rushed up my leg and into my butt and was gone. and now my shin hurts and i have nothing to show for it! damn!

| mando | 9:38 AM


Wednesday, May 21, 2003
today at training i got what i thought was a little bruise. then when i was walking home i began to think it was a big bruise. then when i started bathing i realised that it was the mother of all bumps. it looks like i have an extra knee near my ankle. anyway here is lemonguy looking at my bump and feeling jealous because it's getting more attention than he is.

now that we're on the subject of lemonguy, here's a picture of him! i think he's by far the most attractive lemonguy i've ever laid eyes on.

and when he's surprised he looks just like dogbert! only he's yellow with music coming out of his stomach.

| mando | 5:15 AM


Tuesday, May 20, 2003
ouch! my stomach hurts from laughing very hard at ghim's blog! through ghim's photodocumentary i learned that our class is a very violent class! i didn't know all my friends were so murderous! i can feel peer pressure setting in so i think i'll bring my battleaxe to school tomorrow!

today jiayan's auntie made a surprise appearance as the lady who gave us our gp talk! i spent the first part of the talk trying to get jiayan to wave at her. one gp teacher kept bugging her with questions about the seats at the NUS theatre being too hard for her delicate derierre. if complaining about hard seats is what gp is all about i think i am very good at it!

today after studying at starbucks/getting distracted by the goodlookin' mister starbucks guy, i decided to reward myself by visiting my favourite comics uncle who talked to me for a long time about indian mama shop owners selling comics when he was a little boy. then the indian mama shop owners were all tearing comics in half and sending half back to the publishers saying the comics were damaged and then not having to pay for them. then they sold half the comics very cheap to the little boys who enjoyed half of the story of spiderman. who knew they were so enterprising? i think they should give our next gp talk about managing a successful business!

and today i bought a cute little radio called the "lemon guy FM radio". it looks like a lemon with legs. you poke one of its eyes to tune it and the other one to reset it. lemon guy can't be really happy about that.

| mando | 6:11 AM


Monday, May 19, 2003
normally during monday training we do a bunch of weights and circuits then go for a nice relaxing jog before going home. but today we sprinted 3 X 400m! sprinting! meaning to jog really really fast! it's hard to jog really really fast while talking to your legs and your lungs. "gee, calf muscles, i really could use a little more help right about now. the arms are moving really fast, but somehow they're not in tempo with the legs and the whole package looks really stupid." and "lungs! lungs! are you still there?" huixian ran around without shoes on on the steaming track and then she ran up and down a bunch of big steps 60 times and now her feet are covered in oozy blisters.

today during bio practical we did some biotechnology which consisted of sitting around and doing nothing while squirting people with the squirty turtle toy i brought to school today. then we found a machine that was supposed to centrifuge liquids so that all the liquids would end up at the bottom of the vial and not all over the sides. so me and jianyang decided to centrifuge our fingers for awhile.

old navy has an "aruba" tee shirt! if they had it in a men's size i would have the perfect present for jianbang's birthday next year. or i could always buy the women's cut for jianyang for his birthday in december.

| mando | 6:20 AM


Sunday, May 18, 2003
my maid finn is going home soon because she can't stand my grandmother yelling at her anymore. it would probably help if my grandma A) wasn't very deaf and B) didn't refuse to wear her hearing aid and C) agreed to take her prozac regularly. she's a great grandma but i sure wouldn't like to chop something wrong in her kitchen. i would actually feel a whole lot more sympathy for finn if she hadn't sneakyfingered a hundred bucks out of my drawer.

my hamster's one baby is still alive and i think i'm not half as enthusiastic as i was when the first lot popped out of her. i think its partially because the cage is starting to smell really bad even when you take the hamsters out and wash it. i hope nothing like that happens to my second child. for the first one it's probably going to be "oh help is the air within a 1km radius around it the proper temperature for babies to inhale and is that one bacteria i detect floating around in her milk bottle and are the fifteen toys in her playpen going to be enough to keep her entertained for ten minutes?" and given my attention span, for the second one its probably going to be "kid you're six months old now that's good enough to forage for your own food."

| mando | 6:14 AM


Saturday, May 17, 2003
today was kenneth and danielle's wedding! today they were joined in holy matrimonial bliss so from now on i'm going to refer to them as kenneth'n'danielle. today we all got all dressydressed for the wedding and realised that getting dressydressed is no use when you live in singapore and you're just going to sweat through your dress on the way to the church anyway. and for me, having to hoist a wrapped up wafflemaker and other things around in a manly fashion while walking around in a tight little dress and heels is just totally confusing. wearing a tight little dress and heels makes you completely impotent. i was walking past this old man guy on the way to the loo and he made a "whee whee" noise and if i needed to kick him in the groin i couldnt because its hard to balance on one little heel and the skirt doesn't let you lift your leg up to groin level. but it was a very nice dress and it was really nice of mei to lend it to me. i had to resist all the other indecent things she was trying to lend me to wear like scratch'n'sniff underwear. very tempting. but then the lemon smell would tell everyone in the whole room what you were doing. thanks mei!

anyway the wedding was really pretty and danielle looked gorgeous in her dress and kenneth sounded very soppy when he was taking his marriage vows. by the end of the whole thing half the girls were talking about getting married. i'm not a think-in-the-future kind of girl, so i was mainly thinking about prom. the flower girl was completely out of step but i suppose the cute little pageboy makes up for it. if you shrunk me and put a bunch of roses on my head i could have done a much better job.

| mando | 5:00 AM


Thursday, May 15, 2003
some guy in china just named his newborn son saddam ding sars. that kid is going to be so loved.

my hamster had one baby yesterday which i thought was weird because hamsters are generally a lot more productive than that. and today i looked around casually and the one baby was gone. i haven't seen any stray arms and legs yet which either means the baby is very well hidden under the piece of tissue which i stuffed into the cage, or my hamster was very very very hungry.

today i found out that buying a wedding present is harder than it sounds, especially if you want to get the two people something other than a blender identical to the two million other blenders they're going to get on saturday. after walking around for five hours i decided that i'd have to get desperate and settle for another kitchen appliance which makes heart shaped waffles. somebody needs to make "gifts for dummies" for people like me. i think i so desperate that i was on the brink of buying a snowblower, because, you know, everyone really needs a snowblower in tropical singapore.

| mando | 6:46 AM


Wednesday, May 14, 2003
yarrrggghhh!!! i've just been invaded by the annoying little insects that fly into your room when its going to rain and start putting their creepy little insect feet all over your electric lights until they're charbroiled into a little sizzling pile that you need to clean up the next morning! except these are the juggernaut version of the little insects and i had to use my physics TYS to smack them instead of giving them the royal palm treatment. just now my mom discovered a wing on my neck! these insects are going too far, dropping their wings on my neck like that! i'm going to get a pet frog tomorrow to replace my hamsters.

| mando | 5:24 AM


Tuesday, May 13, 2003
the other day i was out at parkway parade and i saw this hamster leash. i wonder how you get that on. with my hamster you'd probably have to stand three feet away and have some handy lassoing skills. but it would be really cool to take it for a walk outside and xingning said it would be nice to make everyone wonder where the hell your dog was.

| mando | 4:47 AM


Sunday, May 11, 2003
today is mother's day! its a good thing i gave mom her present around the stroke of midnight yesterday because today i was experiencing an acute state of retardedness and i had no strength to bounce around celebrating the wonder that is my mom! i gave her this book with a bunch of mother stories in them and then i annotated all the pages with stuff in bimbotic purple and pink ink. i would tell you how great my mom is but then you would all just feel jealous. happy mother's day mom!

today the gilmore girls celebrated mother's day by dancing for almost 24 hours straight in funny clothes! and rory broke up with dean! i hope this means that dean will show up at my doorstep tomorrow and we can finally elope to madagascar just like we've been planning all through the first and second seasons.

my knee is still killing me. and as though being really painful wasn't enough, bad knee has swelled up to show good knee how big and great and painful he is. what a showoff. i think by the end of my very short judo experience i will be able to predict rain in my ankle, humidity in my knee and cloudy skies in my elbow.

| mando | 6:01 AM


Saturday, May 10, 2003
today at training i managed to twist my ankle and smush my knee in a record time of 5 minutes! now it feels like someone is poking me in the knee with a big stick. luckily napfa is over so the big stick cannot get in the way of me getting a gold for napfa! before napfa i was psyching myself up so much i couldnt sleep and the next day i somehow managed to run up and down and up and down ten metres with a couple of blocks in 9.9 seconds! i would dance around but then my knee would hurt. just now my cousin was showing me her little funk dance that has actions like "turn around and shoot somebody and then duck, duck!" so i showed her the nice dance steps that gen taught me which are called "octupus arms" and "snake arms" and then i was trying to do "running man, running man, criss and cross!" but then my knee almost killed me and i fell down. that could be a whole new dance step. its called the "grab your knee and fall down" dance! it's going to catch on soon so you better start learning it.

dance night was yesterday and i dont understand how people with no belly whatsoever can belly dance! but it was a nice belly dance anyway because gen was in it! i was too busy watching her and forgot all about taking a picture of gen and her navel in her belly dance costume.

| mando | 6:27 AM


Thursday, May 08, 2003
today on american idol everyone sang bee gees! i didn't know you were allowed to sing bee gees in a normal voice! and josh has finally gone back to the marines to make his strange faces and sing his country music while shooting up iraqis. anyway kelly clarkson is getting pretty hot here. i walked into 7-ll and almost started doing my little whoopee dance when i heard her song on the radio but then i was afraid the crazy 7-11 man would start dancing with me. and everyone wants her album but apparently can't get it. guess what? i've listened to it twenty times already! big nya-nya-nyas to everyone!

ghim being the nice person he is lent us his camera to take pictures of us and a bunch of cardboard xmen! and now he has sent me the photos! thanks ghim!

wolverine is looking down at us and probably thinking about how hot he looks standing outside civic plaza like that. caroline thinks he's too hairy. i think she may start a "wax the wolverine" campaign.

and channel 5 wrote a follow up to my nice grammatically incorrect letter in this week's 8 days! they make me sound like i'm accusing them of a huge conspiracy. its pretty cool. i think i'll save it and show it to my grandkids while i tell them about my other exciting things that happened in my life like the time i reorganized my sock drawer, or that breathtaking incident where i changed the parting in my hair. man, those kids are going to love me!

| mando | 7:44 AM


Wednesday, May 07, 2003
today i had a bad day at training. i think i have the samson syndrome. i cut off my hair and then i can't whack anyone up anymore. i am going to stretch my hair every day so i can start beating people up again soon!

anyway today during physics lecture the lecturer made lots of mistakes in his notes. but i managed to spot the same mistake as lam yan choi! and lam yan choi's brain is very much bigger than mine so yippee! we're both lams but his ancestors must have been shipped here from a different province which has air that makes them rocket scientists.

anyway here's a really irrelevant thought! "Bec mon chu" means "kiss my ass" in cajun!

| mando | 5:57 AM


Tuesday, May 06, 2003
i went to fix my hair today and it looks alright now, except its even shorter and i think the loss of my long ponytail is going to make me a bit aerodynamically challenged. i keep walking into things. but then i normally walk into quite a lot of things, like huiyi who likes to walk into walls and dustbins all the time. its great having someone else wash your hair. when i'm all grown up and rich enough to buy the earth the first thing i'm going to get is either a person to wash my hair for me every day! either that or a robot with very soft hands. it would have been perfect if i hadn't gotten lost on the way to the rinsing basin and almost walked out of the salon with a head full of shampoo.

Carrot. o_O

What Mutant Duckie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

| mando | 5:24 AM


Monday, May 05, 2003
today i counted a lot. i counted the minutes til the end of every class. then i counted the classes til the end of the day. then i counted cells underneath the microscope until i got a migraine but decided to generate my results creatively like everybody else. then after that i counted the number of reps i did in the weights room. then i counted the number of circuits i had to get through. then i took a nice three minutes to count every one of the 8 rounds i had to run. the last three sets of stuff i had to count were really hard because i only had a banana for lunch and bananas don't last very long especially in my stomach the black pit of gurglegurgleimhungry. tomorrow i'm going to breeze through the day in oblivion and not count anything and maybe it'll pass faster. i hope that i dont bump into lots of people in my state of oblivion like i normally do.

anyway caroline discovered that her hidden mutant ability was supersonic burping! hooray!

| mando | 8:34 AM


Saturday, May 03, 2003
i just got a haircut and i realised that whenever i get a haircut i walk around carrying a whole bunch of regret for a long time. it looks awful. tip : if you walk into the hairdressers and the woman inside looks crazy and can't speak english/chinese/tamil/malay, its not a good sign. plus she had bad hair. also, never cut your hair when you're feeling sleepy and can't tell the difference between an english speaking sane woman and a non-english speaking insane woman.

| mando | 10:55 PM


i took my SATs today! i went to starhub centre to take it and there were lots of strange people there with dyed hair taking the test. on one side of the room there was this fellow with a big backpack who had a normal watch AND a stopwatch on his table as well as a big bouquet of number 2 pencils, and on the other side of the room were a couple of girls discussing melissa's party and are you going to go and oh i'll only go if i have something to wear, because right now, all my clothes cover too much of my ass.

and after that we all watched x-men2! it was very nice, the way nightcrawler left blue smoke all over the place. nightcrawler (kurt wagner) is quite amusing. "i ahm kurt vagnah, but in ze munich chircush, zhey call me ze nightchrawlah!" i'm going to walk around doing his accent and going "bamf!" for awhile. wolverine is still sexy. colossus is a large beefy sexy guy. lady deathstrike's nails look like they're going to fall off and she has a total of one line. jean grey and cyclops look like they're in a oedipal relationship. wolverine is also very hairy and he walks out of the lab butt naked in one scene while screaming. i don't really blame him because if i was butt naked and had claws springing out of my knuckles and bleeding all over the place i wouldn't really be jumping for joy. but i was really appreciating the fact that he was butt naked. but then rogue in the movie bothers me because she's too insipid. why isn't she beating things up? why isn't she flying around while beating things up? why is she screaming so much?

then we all walked back to taka to try to take tourist pictures with the big xmen carboard standups at civic plaza! too bad by the time we stopped to look at all the shops along the way it was so dark that we couldn't see the pyro standup properly anymore and pyro looks a little dark in our photos.

| mando | 6:55 AM


Thursday, May 01, 2003
the SATs are harder than i thought! apparently i haven't read enough comic books to learn lots of other words like "transmute" and "facetious". i have got to work harder. which is why i'm meeting up with the yahoo auctions guy to collect my comic books tomorrow! the only problem is i don't know what he looks like. maybe he'll be wearing a sign that reads "probable axe murderer" on it. gee, i hope the dark alleyway i'm meeting him in doesnt cause any trouble.

today on american idol, trenyce gets kicked out by americans blinded by patriotism! and clay aiken has given up making strange face movements. and he appears to have given the strange face movements all to joshua gracin. but anyway justin guarini came back to make all the women in the world swoon for awhile. and they all went to the xmen premiere and i found out that hugh jackman has hair like mine now! danggit he's manly. i can't wait to watch it on saturday with all the judo babes!

| mando | 9:19 AM


daniel the yoda
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judo girls
nat koh
nat lee
qiumei the bunny
ruxin the penguin
victor tan
zhongyang the sheep

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