Saturday, August 30, 2003
yesterday i saw this ancient old lady in mcdonalds in a wheelchair and when her daughter went away to buy her some food, she opened her mouth and started wailing really loudly. when i saw the expression on her face i felt this horrible surge of pity for her. if i ever live to be that old, i'm not going to bother my daughter by making her feel obliged to wheel me into a mcdonalds and feed me a bunch of fries. i'll set up an old judo girls rest home where we can wheel ourselves around and complain about our rheumatism together. i think that could make for quite a fun old age!
yesterday we went back to RI to give mr eng and mr tan their teacher's day presents! a very erm tan mr eng got a bottle of garnier skin whitener which is an "excellent base for makeup" which of course made him very happy. we got mr tan a white apron in case he decides to cook more chicken wings for us in the future, and we drew a judo gi on it and made him wear it and took lots of pictures of him. but they are trapped in my camera and my scanner is giving me crap. i hate technology! hate it! if it were up to me i would just blog by carving what i wanted to say onto a piece of rock and flinging it at random people!
the other day xingning told me about doctors writing funny things on their patient's bedside charts for amusement so that the other doctors could read it. like "FON" could mean "full of nonsense", and "TTFO" could mean "told to F off". i think its these kinds of things that make being a doctor all the more fulfilling! when i become a doctor and if a patient really pisses me off, i could write "CDTC" which would stand for "connect drip to catheter".
(if anyone from NUS medical faculty happen to come by this, they should be intelligent enough to know that i am just kidding! i am just kidding!!!)
| mando | 10:58 PM
Friday, August 29, 2003
today was teacher's day! before school i rushed to ghim moh to collect flowers and to inhale some nice pollen so that i would have an asthmatic cough later on in the day to piss everyone off! i like to plan ahead. then we had a very long tiring walk on which i wondered where all my muscles had gone to. then we had a nice concert with lots of people singing and dancing around. there was this guy who was singing a self-composed song to the teachers and singing it very passionately. unfortunately the lyrics were as passionate as the alphabet. but his voice was a very nice broadway voice and if you stuck him in Rent passionately singing "ahh i'm going to die from AIDS and i need to write a nice songgg la la la la laa" he would have done much better than singing "A! Beee... See! Eee (vibrato)... Eff!" from the bottom of his heart. anyway i realised that econs teachers are very amusing people! like mr reeves and mr vadi! vadi rocks my socks! and the gay dance by the new teachers made the whole day worthwhile.. mr benny lee looked very serious while acting gay. he has indeed earned my respect. oh and i tired my camera out taking manymany photos today. i hope taking that shot of me and jianyang looking sweet and feminine and holding flowers didn't break the lens.
| mando | 9:22 AM
Thursday, August 28, 2003
i havent been around here much because i haven't done much that's interesting. i wanted to keep all the exciting details of my exhilarating tooth brushing experiences all to myself. i'm selfish that way. you can just go brush your own teeth and find out how it feels for yourself.
anyway i spent last weekend plagued by the thought that carlos santana looked like a muppet and it was killing me trying to find out which muppet it was. don't ask me why i wasn't thinking about physics instead. after searching the muppet page i think he's the offspring of floyd pepper and zoot.
the other day while studying at a cafe i realised that the tiramisu looked very deflated. it was okay on one side and then on the other side it was just sagging. it looked like the tiramusu had a little stroke. please tell me if this is normal because if you don't look at the sagging end it looks pretty good and i want to eat it!
now i must go and engage in more exciting dental hygiene. and i'm not going to tell you about it! the excitement would just overload all your circuits and fry your brain completely!
| mando | 5:27 AM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
today at the airport me and huixian ate fried chicken for dinner, and along with the fried chicken came a little buttermilk biscuit. i couldn't finish my little buttermilk biscuit, so i wrapped it up in napkins to take home to peed my pamily. my pamly bery poor. so i stuffed it in my bag and went off home to my poor pamly and forgot all about my biscuit. after my bath in the muddy river i looked into my bag and realised that the little biscuit that was supposed to sustain my entire pamly had been smushed into unrecognisable mush. i guess me and my pamly will have to eat bugs.
and huixian and caroline told me that the yakult lady still goes to their doorstep to peddle yakult to them! the yakult lady never peddles yakult to me! i feel underpeddled! maybe the yakult company should update their image and change their little old yakult ladies to hunkabunka half naked yakult men! boy would i be ingesting lots of LB Casei Shirota Strain then!
| mando | 7:44 AM
Thursday, August 21, 2003
i am a really pretty picture of insanity! and disease! i am finally actually sick. after annoying people trying to relax at starbucks with my resonant cough and the earth shattering tremors from my shivering, i decided to go home and be sick there instead. i decided it would be better to go home before i snapped from too much organic chemistry and i tried to fling coffee cups at the people closing business deals and talking about their european holidays.
anyway starbucks guy was relaxing at starbucks today enjoying his last day of freedom before he goes into the army tomorrow. the army has stolen the guy who makes my coffee and gives me free samples! i am sad! he escaped from my clutches before i could tell him to have fun doing pushups for a couple of years. maybe when he comes back from the army he will be so built and burnt that the only way i will be able to recognize him is from the scars from his multiple face piercings.
| mando | 8:49 AM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
sunday was pesta sukan judo! me and huixian went down there to say some whoohoos for luohan and caroline but then the referees must have spotted these two little innocent girls whoohooing at the bleachers and decided to prey on us. so we ended up doing scoreboard duty which was not fun after two and a half hours. they only had one chair so me and huixian shared the chair and took turns numbing alternate butt cheeks. having the power to give people wrong scores to make them lose is overwhelming! the power!!! but all those powerful feelings go away when the referee starts yelling at you for putting up the wrong score. and poor luohan broke her arm! now she has a big cast which is fuzzy so we cannot write anything on it. caroline is a silver medallist again!!! whoohoo! i'm glad we went down to whoohoo!
today i went to see my auntie off at the airport. then on the drive home, we saw a swivel chair with a bowling ball in the middle of it in the middle of the road! this must be a sign. it is a sign that swivel chair + bowling ball shaped martians are planning to take over the world! run! run!!!
| mando | 8:12 AM
Saturday, August 16, 2003
i was just thinking about how in the yakult factory, in the packing and sorting rooms they had a big huge plastic signboard nailed high up on the wall with huge words that told workers to maintain high productivity and a high standard of hygiene. i bet illegal chinese sweatshops have similar signs tacked above the wall "MAKE FASTER SLEEVES! MAKE BETTER THE BUTTONS! QUICKER IS GOOD!". i would tack one of those signs in my room to make me study more effectively, but i don't spend all that much time in my room studying. maybe i should ask permission to tack a big sign up on the starbucks wall. "STUDY FASTER! TURN THOSE PAGES QUICKER! ABSORB MORE! MORE!" i imagine it will make everyone else pretty darn stressed.
| mando | 9:34 AM
Friday, August 15, 2003
today we all went to the yakult factory to learn about yakult! so we learned from the nice tour guide-researcher man who does yakult experiments on himself, that drinking 20 bottles of yakult in a day will make you impressively constipated! and that they have yakult in uruguay! i don't even know where uruguay is! probably because miss uruguay has never made the top twenty in the miss universe contest before. anyway i think the yakult people could probably teach us about good bacteria and bad bacteria more effectively if they had one of these giant microbes
to wave around at us! they're like big infective pokemon! helicobacter pilori, i choose you!
anyway after that we went to eat fili fulu sushi, which has settled my breakfast, lunch and dinner for maybe the next month and a half. sakae sushi should provide a proper vomitorium somewhere on the premises.
and today we have all been immunised against hepatitis B! i am overcome with a feeling of empowerment! and i feel like pointing at people who have not been immunised and saying "HA HA!"
i think my sprained thumb is never going to heal properly. at first i thought when i stopped training it would heal up, but i realise i sprain it again every time i pull up my shorts. so unless i run around with my shorts around my ankles for a long time, i'm going to have to live with a painful thumb.
| mando | 6:34 AM
Thursday, August 14, 2003
pms crawls stealthily through the urban jungles of singapore. pms peers through the gate of my house. pms inches purposefully across the wooden floor. pms pounces and attacks, posessing girl, 17! girl goes on killing rampage across the country while pissing everyone off in between murders! hehheh. sorry about that!
effects of pms were greatly nullified by looking through websites and finding a site with punk rubber ducks with the words "duck you!" on the side.
| mando | 7:30 AM
Monday, August 11, 2003
today i was studying at starbucks at a table next to four chinese people talking loudly. they were the kind of people whose little tongues have gradually morphed into big american tongues during their college days in america. when there was a common consensus that education was a indeed a wondrous thing, everybody went "skuoel's fuhn." "yeah, skuoel's ged!" and they don't sing regular singaporean karaoke, they sing "kehhreeOhKee". and they spent quite some time conjecturing loudly about when they were the most drunk. "Oh yeah, i was really drunk that time. i was totally hammered." "no, you were drunker that other time!" "oh yeah i was! man yeah i really was the drunkest that time! i was so drunk!" and then there are congratulations all round! i realised that with these people, your level of coolness is directly proportional to the number of times you say drunk. and also the number of times that you are unable to walk through the door of a club due to how drunk you are. hold on a second while i up my coolness factor. drunkdrunkdrunkdrunkdrunkdrunkdrunkdrunk. there that should just about do it. boy do i feel good about myself now.
anyway i had a little run today! two weeks of not vigorously moving my arms and legs made it a bit hard to run. or maybe it was the weight of the large stomach sloshing around in front of me that threw me off balance.
| mando | 9:13 AM
Sunday, August 10, 2003
i realised that we have a tendency to consume our junk food in the most barbaric way possible. the only thing more barbaric than the way we eat junk food is probably latching twitching monkeys to the bottom of the table while we scrape out their brains topped with sweet and sour sauce. for example, today mister enormousHershey met his untimely demise when my grandma decided that he was too big a bar and that one sixth of it was enough to bring on diabetes and obesity to the entire family, and so mister enormousHershey had to be agonizingly chopped up into large chunks of chocolatey goodness. the carnage was carefully documented by me but i can't load the photos up now because my camera ran out of batteries.
and during judo finals, ernest chong gave us all little japanese crackers shaped like little japanese boys and girls. they're so cute. they have little round japanese cracker heads and little long japanese cracker bodies.
i admired them for two weeks then i decided i had better eat them before stuff started growing on them like how some of my chocolate bars did. after i was done with them, they were nothing but sad ghosts of the cute little crackers they once were.
| mando | 6:48 AM
Saturday, August 09, 2003
today is national day! whoo! more importantly, today is my grandma's birthday! i think it is impressive that she's 75 and still can bellow louder than everyone else in the house put together. that and tolerate roasting over an open fire while frying up good good things in a kwali. happy birthday grandma! we celebrated at some teochew restaurant and my mom baked a nice cake and grandma got nice presents like pot plants from my cousin. my pot plant plan was foiled by the fact that the ghim moh market is lousy and only stocks pot plants at chinese new year. her coolest present was from my american aunt who got her a gigantic hershey bar.
its the biggest hershey bar in the world! i put it next to the eiffel tower and it completely dwarfs it.
the large and imposing and diabetes-attack-inducing bar was carted home and has been spotted making itself at home in my grandma's la-Z-boy chair with a cup of tea "borrowed" from the newark-singapore flight, raffles class.
anyway yesterday we had a national day waste of time at school. could there be a more appropriate way of celebrating national day by doing nothing in the canteen? i sure as hell don't think so!
but then after that me and my aunt and my cousin went to eat lunch at outback restaurant! for the past few months i've been keeping a pocket menu from outback restaurant in my file and staring at it periodically and salivating profusely. when we went there we settled into a nice booth with big knives that my cousin insisted on waving around in a threatening manner because she learns jiu-jitsu, which is a martial art where they like to kill everyone with knives. anyway we ordered the blooming onion, which is a humungous onion carefully cut up so it opens up like a big fried flower, only to find out that there is no more blooming onion. they now only have the tornado onion, which is a stupid excuse for the cooks to mutilate a few poor onions and fry them up and chuck them carelessly onto a plate. then they cheated us out of a couple of yummy baked potatoes by informing us that there was something wrong with them and whether we would like a lousy splotch of mashed potatoes instead. what could be wrong with the potatoes other than they have grown arms and legs and mouths and have started to try to slice up the cooks for revenge? my aunt thinks they're not going to last long and wants to fly us a couple thousand miles to philadelphia so we can eat proper onions in the american outback. i'm not objecting.
| mando | 5:20 AM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
today at starbucks, a horde of running nose germs just snuck up behind me and attacked me! i was ambushed by bacteria! but to prove my love for my country i must stuff tissues up my nose and go to school tomorrow wearing red and white! the only problem is i think i'm developing a weird itch that may turn into a weird rash. but then that would only make me more red and white so that i am just covered in patriotic scabies! but then spreading a contagious disease to your fellow countrymen may not be the most patriotic thing in the world to do.
today was gen's real birthday! happy birthday gen! falalalalalalalala!
| mando | 9:35 AM
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
my aunt is here! whee hoo! this probably means not being able to fill my head with useful stuff for a few days. she got me an ittybitty bikini! at first i was worried that it would be too ittybitty, but it was pretty nice! thanks tua ee! you're so cool. but given my present exam situation it'd be more likely that i use it to catapult water balloons across the road than go to the beach and get ittybitty tan lines. can you tell that i am really amused by the word ittybitty?
there's a red and white party at centro on the day before national day. i guess people will be cavorting around to the doom ch doom ch doom ch remix version of marikita and dayung sampan. that's gotta be fun!
| mando | 7:08 AM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
after four years of walking around with one fuzzy eye and bumping into many things, i finally got contact lenses! since they're daily disposables i decided to stretch one before chucking it into the bin and see how far it would go. man those things are elastic. spent a long time contemplating whether or not contact lenses were made of konnyaku jelly. anyway on the way home from the glasses store i was pissing off my mom by saying "i can see that! and that! and that! and that! and that! and that! and that! and that!" i fully expect to bump into much fewer things from now on!
today in the womad brochure i saw a writeup for this guy who makes handbags out of wire and old bottle caps. man i hope his customers have all had their tetanus shots.
tomorrow my auntie from philadelphia is coming to surprise my grandma on her birthday! i hope she doesn't get too surprised. she's really old. i think i'm going to get her a weird plant for her birthday. she's gotten so desperate for new plants that i think she pulled a weed out of the sidewalk and started growing it in a pot. the weed is almost as high as our basil plant.
| mando | 9:15 AM
Sunday, August 03, 2003
today at church my pastor said that there was a guy who put an ad in the paper that said "i will listen to you without comment for 30 minutes, for 5 dollars." and he got a ton of calls! i had no idea ears were such a hot commodity! i could do that. i'd attach about a hundred phones to a little answering machine where i'd pre-record interested/sympathetic/riveted listening noises like "hmm. uhhhuhh. yeah. oh? wow! mmm." then after half an hour i'd bill them for 5 bucks and have the machine play me saying "gotcha, you suckers!" i imagine it will be a booming business.
now i'm listening to michelle branch ask me if i'm happy now. she's probably the best whiny-rock chick around. i just bought her album for 7 bucks because of that whole free money thing on friday. i think i'm going to get back into buying cds. burnt cds just don't have that oomph anymore! oh, uh and uh, when i say burnt cds, it doesn't mean i burn them. oh no. anti-industry flying hippos fling them down from the sky at me. yeah. i don't download music, no way.
| mando | 8:13 AM
Saturday, August 02, 2003
today i bought a st. ives medicated facial scrub because they said on the bottle that it was a swiss formula and that the swiss people know how to take care of their faces. but then when i started scrubbing i realised that it smelled more like downstairs chinese medicine hall formula than swiss formula. i hope my face doesn't explode tomorrow. if i see any swiss people walking around with a faceful of acne i'm writing a complaint letter.
| mando | 8:58 AM
Friday, August 01, 2003
what i am going to say is going to make some of you froth at the mouth with jealousy. i spent half the day running around heeren with caroline and huixian like a consumerist chicken with her head cut off buying up half the mall for FREE. yes. for free. would you like me to give you some tissue to wipe up all that froth? i can afford to because i've saved so much buying cds and a bunch of socks and food and a bunch of weird hair stuff that you stick into your head, for free. and yes i am going to keep rubbing it in. and don't ask me why heeren is giving everybody on the planet 90 bucks worth of shopping vouchers with no strings attached. all i know is that i have settled all my sock and weird hair stuff needs for the rest of the year, so i can go back to filling my head with knowledge about physics and bioremediation with my mind at ease. hoopee!
so because it was all-free day, caroline had a very nice birthday! happy birthday caroline!
and ghim has got his shoulder all repaired, so in a few weeks he will be ready to breakdance again!
| mando | 9:33 AM