Wednesday, January 28, 2004
i have just realised that my office has many kahchuas in it! yesterday, my fellow temp staff started jumping and yelling "there's a cockroach! there's a cockroach!" and i was about to start jumping too, but then i saw the cockroach she was talking about and realised that it was very small, which gave me the opportunity to be the brave one in this scenario and whack it. but then all around us were important documents which we couldn't use to whack the kahchua with. so we started jumping around the cubicle looking for something heavy to smash it with and we were deliberating whether to use the stapler or the hole puncher when the manager popped up from the next cubicle and said "why are you two jumping around like that?" and then we said "there's a kahchua!" then she said "oh! i killed one yesterday at your cubicle too! you want baygon?" so we baygonned the cockroach to death and left it lying on a pile of important documents. today i baygonned another 2 cockroaches and we have drawn up a kahchua death toll sheet and pinned it to the cubicle wall. the kahchua death toll now stands at 4 little kahchuas! at the rate at which we are spraying baygon into our fully-airconditioned office, we may soon have to draw up a colleague death toll sheet.
| mando | 3:49 AM
Thursday, January 22, 2004
happy chinese new year everybody! what a happy and joyous occasion! and isn't it nice that we celebrate this happy and joyous occasion by taking money from our loved ones? whoohoo! whoohoo for me i mean, not for them.
and my dad insisted on making our yearly pilgrimage to carrefour because that is the only place besides borders that opens on chinese new year. and i have reached a new stage in maturity which has been marked by me buying a very large spongebob squarepants! you can move his mouth into different expressions! happy retarded spongebob! sad retarded spongebob! angry retarded spongebob! i had no idea there were so many variants on retardedness. and did you know that spongebob squarepants in spanish is bob esponja? i'm learning and growing, ladies and gentlemen. anyway this year my little 3 and 5 year old cousins decided that they were too grown up to play roll the orange with me. party poopers.
| mando | 5:16 AM
Saturday, January 17, 2004
yesterday we went to chinatown! and we walked around and looked at all the funnysmelling and funnylooking food and ate some funnytasting haws and ate some tutu kueh. and we got attacked by many scary uncles trying to sell us stuff. one of the scary uncles started reciting what i thought was a tang poem to us very very slowly but after a long while of listening politely it turned out it was just his rehearsed speech to sell us the history of our surname. i would have paid eight dollars to find out the first person who ever had my surname but i already know that it is mister lam so i saved my money.
i am eating a very juicy roast chicken for lunch! there is really no point in continuing with a roast chicken after you've finished all the skin. they should engineer chickens with high surface area to volume ratios. like a chicken shaped like a popiah skin or something. if they lay flat eggs you would just have to boil them and when you crack them open you would have instant sunnyside up eggs! if you have finally gotten through this paragraph you would have realised that i am very bored.
| mando | 10:00 PM
Friday, January 16, 2004
yesterday while waiting for the sketch show
to come on on arts central, i watched a little clip where they talked about an obscene looking statue near the singapore river. one intelligent lady looked at it long and hard and declared "it looks like a lady with two breasts". Really! what profundity! what depth! because THAT is exactly what makes it art! because, you know, most women do have three boobs. i wonder what fabulous insights she has about the sculpture of the pigeon with the big asshole at clarke quay.
anyway by the end of my work contract i expect to be in shreds due to extensive paper cuts.
| mando | 3:52 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2004
you know your week is going a little slow when the triumph of your day is solving a tv murder faster than the stumpy csi guy. that and feeling full of glee at how you can photostat things for free at the office. whee! free photostating!
| mando | 4:59 AM
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
today at work : i did copious amounts of stapling! i did copious amounts of faxing! i sustained a copious amount of paper cuts! i used the word copious a copious number of times! but the good thing is that most of my colleagues know my name now so i no longer go by "eh you" or "oi come!"
today yucai went into the army! this is the start of all the boys going into the army all white and hairy and skinny (except surfer boys dehan dickson kianleong and bang who dont look chinese any more) and emerging as black botak buff men! take care all you army boys!
| mando | 3:35 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2004
today i went to get my hair cut because i had a bunch of vouchers that expire next week. $38 later i walked out looking almost exactly the same. but it was totally worth it because i got my hair shampooed by the most yummy shampoo boy in the entire universe!
| mando | 5:28 AM
Thursday, January 08, 2004
work is boring. today i established a loving lasting relationship with my data processing programme and the digits 3010400850N. i feel like i've been ripped out of childhood and flung facefirst into a big pile of invoices! garghh!! those invoices!! by the end of the week i expect to the be most boring person in the entire universe.
| mando | 5:02 AM
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
tomorrow i start work! so far i think my job is that i sit in the office calling people to tell them what time the nice man is coming to their house to fix their phone cable. i also have to answer stupid questions that these people ask me, like, what if i'm out if the nice man comes? oh sir, in that case we will have no choice but to break into your house to repair your cable, and rob you blind of all your jewelry and various household appliances while we're in there! kindly leave your house key under the ceramic elephant on your front stoop! thank you, and have a nice day!
| mando | 6:33 AM
Monday, January 05, 2004
i am employed! someone has employed me! i am a breadwinner! i am winning bread! this is getting repetitive! i am repeating myself!
| mando | 4:55 AM
Friday, January 02, 2004
Congratulations! You're Pippin!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you? brought to you by Quizilla
a stifling cloud of stupidity! that certainly boosts my ego!
| mando | 8:20 AM
Today at a job agency i discovered that if i type until my arm muscles cramp, i have a typing speed of 85 words per minute! terrific! if i get a job that requires me to type at 85 words per minute for 8 hours a day, i may even be fortunate enough to contract carpal tunnel syndrome or parkinson's before i'm 20!
| mando | 7:53 AM
Thursday, January 01, 2004
happy new year everybody! i wish you all only good things this year! may you have everything you want! which means that if you are a money-hungry dollar-sign-eyed freak, i wish you lots of money! and if you are a masochist, i wish you a roomful of musclebound prison guards with a suitcase full of rotans at their disposal! you know. good things!
yesterday i went to fort canning to celebrate the new year. note to self : whenever the programme says "guest performers", get as far away from speakers as possible. i am currently deafer than both my grandmothers.
| mando | 3:04 AM