Monday, March 15, 2004
me and xingning leave for london tomorrow. i finally picked up my sweater from the drycleaners. apparently it takes a full week to wash one sweater! first the sweater must be double boiled in a vat of stock from a chicken that has been boiled in taugay juice for fivehundred nights by the light of the full moon with a barbarian dancing around it. then it must be drip dried and fed to a cow and digested in all four of its stomachs before the cow spits it out and gives it back to me.
and while trying to close my suitcase i lost about forty seven million calories and almost had a brain aneurysm!
| mando | 7:03 AM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
yesterday, i progressed from not walking at all to hopping on one leg emitting "owch owch" noises with every hop. today i have progressed yet again from hopping on one leg to walking like a chicken with one leg. this means that with every step i take, i move progressively to the left and i have to flap both hands violently. every trip i make to the toilet is like the bloody dance of the sugarplum fairies.
william hung is going to be on television tonight humiliating the entire chinese population. i realised his head looks a bit like a big cha shao bao.
| mando | 6:28 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
i have just sprained my ankle! i am so sad! my right ankle is now bigger than my left ankle! i am now asymmetrical! and also i cannot walk! which makes is very hard to go to the loo! also it would be very very tiring to hop around london and paris on one leg! high heels are very dangerous. the us army should buy boxes of three inch heels and leave them outside the doorsteps of terrorists during rainy season when all the mountain paths are slippery and make them sprain all their ankles! they would be so much easier to catch that way.
| mando | 9:26 PM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
yesterday my mother and me drove to school to fetch my brother. i realised that from the front, my brother's school looks like that forbidden city place that all the chinese emperors used to sit in and drink tea and watch people get gunned down in the square! that ought to raise school morale. then my mother made the grave mistake of pulling up to the front porch and rolling down the windows. how are the teachers not being asphyxiated behind their desks?
today i bought a suitcase from an extremely dishonest woman at people's park centre. to her, i am very pretty, and my mother is terribly sexy, and somehow we wound up with a suitcase that is supposed to be made in germany but all the instructions seem to be in japanese. i applaud the bilingual abilities of the germans!
| mando | 3:41 AM
Saturday, March 06, 2004
yesterday amanda discovered that her essay was not as psychotic as she thought! she also discovered that the unhygenic prata man is still creeping around the school! she also discovered how to talk about herself in the third person!
today caroline, luohan and me went for kickboxing! our instructor is an extremely toned, pretty murderous little woman in aerobics pants. we had an hour of quality violence. next week i must remind myself that wearing shorts with largish legholes is not a good idea when you have to execute roundhouse kicks which are pretty darn high! anyway kickboxing involves pretending that you are in the matrix. it also involves a large amount of trying not to bash your fellow classmates in the face while you pretend to knee an imaginary biguglydude in the crotch to the beat of techno music! they should have techno music specially tailored to that exercise! somebody should write a song that goes "doom ch doom ch doom doom ch you're never gonna have kids doom doom ch you're never gonna have kids oh yeah".
| mando | 4:30 AM
Thursday, March 04, 2004
jumping jeeblebugs! its results day tomorrow! tomorrow we will find out whether writing slightly psychotic general paper essays is a highly intelligent move, or akin to pushing a little button labelled "warning this little button will make your entire craft crash and burn"! tomorrow we will find out if anyone managed to make any sense of the biology practical! tomorrow we will find out if the unhygenic prata man has been chased out of the school by a mob of indigesting students! good luck everybody!
| mando | 2:52 AM