Sunday, May 30, 2004
i am going to learn basic conversational malay! this way i will be able to eavesdrop on even more conversations than i do now! and i will finally be able to talk to my maid! even though the things i say to her after taking the class will probably be things like "could i please have a table for two near the window?" and "how much is that piece of bread in the window?". maybe i should first learn the sentence "prepare to be confused" and say it to her before i start any malay conversation with her.
i got a callback audition for peter pan! i'm being called back for tiger lily, the indian princess. the song i have to sing is The Only Song Indians Are Allowed To Ever Sing, "colours of the wind". hopefully i won't have my sore throat the day i have to perform The Only Song Indians Are Allowed To Ever Sing. although i probably will lose out to the authentic indian girl who is auditioning too.
tomorrow i will attack the great singapore sale! it's time to get out my trusty cattle prod!
| mando | 3:42 AM
Thursday, May 27, 2004
in today's news : fantasia barrino cries! again! and again and again and again! but for the same reason that people like korean dramas
(ie because watching people cry is plain good entertainment hyuk hyuk), people like fantasia barrino! gee, do you think its possible that someone who's gone through boyfriendal abuse, an pregnancy out of wedlock, gave birth to a little expressionless girl whose father eventually left them both, could sing a song with more emotion than a sixteen year old whose emotional turmoil revolves around what she's going to wear to prom two years down the road?
anyway i love american idol sms-ers. there wouldn't be anything to laugh at on the show without them. today someone was all "fantasia totally SUX but diana totally ROX!!!!!". wow, that's a really poignant observation there. and "i hope the new singapore idol is great!". no, actually i'm kind of hoping that the new singapore idol will be a flaming pile of shit whose main talent is spontaneously combusting onstage and splattering itself onto the audience.
and thanks caroline for sneakily telling me who won before the results came out! i am eternally grateful!
| mando | 9:22 AM
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
troy is a good movie. it is full of men with bodies of varying degrees of muscularity. brad pitt is incredible hulk-sized, eric bana is yummy-sized, and orlando bloom has a waist size that i covet for myself. when orlando bloom puts on his little trojan helmet and sits on his little trojan horse, he looks like a little legoman from the deluxe medieval lego playset! eric bana figurine and sword of troy each sold seperately. and someone should tell that greek soldier wearing the greek thong that abseiling down a trojan horse wearing a skirt may not be the best of ideas. caroline was wondering why achilles could only die when you spear his ankle like a marinated chicken wing on a bbq skewer. we eventually decided that his ankle is his self-destruct button. anyway here is a gratituous picture of eric bana!
"i'm wounded but i'm still pretty!"
| mando | 8:03 PM
Thursday, May 20, 2004
i have an audition in two days and i'm having a slight problem with my monologue. namely, that i can't say the monologue in a way remotely resembling a normal human being. the problem with being a singaporean who is highly confused by american drama serials and british sitcoms and australian crocodile hunters or filipino maids, is that you can't pin down an accent that sounds natural or sane when doing drama. should i interpret the character's pain by sounding like i just squatted at a coffee shop while inhaling my bottle of tiger beer, or sounding like i just spent an entirely fictional ten years in texas? face it, singaporeans don't say things like "i've had it" or "Sometimes I don't get out of here till eight" or "i am secretly plotting to overthrow the government". at least not out loud we don't. most of the time i wind up throwing the american accent and the british accent and the singaporean accent into a blender, mixing it up, swallowing it, and projectile vomiting it back out again at my cringing audience. after which i am horrified at the sheer phoniness of it and spend quality time in the bathroom banging my head against the mirror.
my cousin just asked me for a name for a game show. she rejected the titles that i threw out, like 'the nude people mudwrestling hour'. who doesn't think that would be a hit? i mean unless the nude people in question look like drew carey or jack black.
| mando | 4:44 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
today i watched van helsing with jiayan! van helsing is a dark dark show. it is so dark that most of the time you are sitting in the cinema staring at a black screen. dracula likes to say peoples' names many times while having a chat with them. "viktor, you know, viktor, i hired you, viktor, to build me a big, viktor viktor, monster, viktor." "oh gabriel, why did you kill my bride, gabriel, why, gabriel, are you now, gabriel, trying to kill me too gabriel gabriel?" dude, they know their names. and the way they speak in the movie reminds me of that cute little count on sesame street. "VON! ah-ha-ha-ha! TWO! ah-ha-ha-ha! TREE! TREE sexy vampire brides! ah-ha-ha-ha!!!" (boom boom boom boom)
So overall, van helsing is a nice show if you want to watch hugh jackman rip off his shirt and look tortured. i mean, that's why I
| mando | 5:44 AM
Monday, May 17, 2004
yesterday i went out with gwenda and jialin and had a bunch of fun! and also i learned that the german language has many f's and w's and z's tossed in at random to make their words look extra confusing. now that is a race of people who likes a challenge! and i also learned that gwenda has enough computer knowledge to be a professional stalker.
anyway i wish my grandma would put on her hearing aid more often. her vocal cords must be worn down to nubbins. yesterday when she kindly informed me that the yogurt tasted very nice, she sounded like she had just discovered that i had blown up her bathroom.
| mando | 6:32 PM
Friday, May 14, 2004
yesterday on american idol, latoya london got booted and jasmine trias tried very hard to look guilty. jasmine trias will not get off my television screen! she's like a really hard to kill hawaiian cockroach! let us all share a moment of silence for latoya london.
and i have finally put a finger on which unimaginably old-looking person diana degarmo reminds me of. raise your hands everyone who watches that seventies show. i give you diana degarmo, and ERIC'S MOM!
so america thinks eric's mom has got it goin' on!
| mando | 3:54 AM
Monday, May 10, 2004
i just watched the last ten minutes of "eye for a guy", singapore's very first english reality dating show! what a mouthful. have we had chinese reality dating shows before? the only chinese reality dating shows i've ever seen are from taiwan, and they involve 20 men and 20 women sitting at tables separated by a chasm of about 25 miles. the men all go "i am mister X. i have no personality whatsoever. however i do have a lot of money and i am willing to work like a dog for my family and have seventeen boring kids. i am looking for a woman who is sweet gentle and kind and have the type of moral values which would stifle nuns. i hope you will be my date." the women swoon over this proclamation of love and counter with "i am miss Y. i too have no personality, which is good because we have that in common. i only wear an inch of makeup for casual occasions, and my favourite flowers are blue roses. my hobbies include coyly hunting out rich men and sitting in front of walls watching the wallpaper peel off them. i hope you will be my partner." this is titillating television, folks!
anyway singapore's bachelorette doesn't seem to be interested in any of the guys. she's too busy chewing the air around her with her big shiny set of teeth and concentrating on looking decent and uninteresting. the men all seem to have been imported from a country that mass-manufactures american born chinese and occasionally the ABC machine malfunctions and spits out a horny expat. boy am i sorry i missed this series.
| mando | 8:10 AM
Friday, May 07, 2004
i dont know if its the "hate-everything-you-were-born-to-be" syndrome but yesterday i was trying to find out if there was actually a sane-looking way of wearing that huge-ass rose-in-your-hair i bought from london. man were there a lot of hyphens in that sentence. so thank you, whoever it was that invented the hyphen. without you, i would have to find actual existing adjectives to describe things, which would be tiring as hell. anyhoo i think you can only successfully wear flowers in your hair if you are 1)hula crazed hawaiian girl on american idol, 2) white girl in random teenage magazine, 3) mexican/malay, 4) indian woman in a sari. is it just me, or is it when all chinese girls decide to stick flowers in their hair they look less sultry-islandgirl than did-you-just-get-attacked-by-a-bouganvillea-bush? actually i think its just me.
anyway today at the hospice we met a friendly uncle who is against the whole diapers-wearing movement. a little tip from caroline : do not remove his sarong. anyway uncle decided that he wanted to eat an apple. one little problem with this was that uncle has no teeth. uncle also has no dentures. and if uncle choked on an apple and got carted off to the hospital next door, our asses would probably be a-roasted! but eventually we decided the whole apples-are-good deal outweighed the choking thing and sliced an apple for him. and we discovered that uncle has the hardest gums in the universe! you could bend spoons with those babies!
| mando | 3:59 AM
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
today was american idol day! diana degarmo seems to have something wrong with her lips. lips normally are not made of plasticine. and nobody lets simon finish talking anymore! its like all the idol obsessed americans formed a big huge coven and had a meeting and were all like "simon cowell keeps saying mean things! its totally naughty to say mean things that are actually true! we gotta bring him down!" "like, totally, hal! i know! we have one weapon that's sure to stop the reign of terror of simon cowell! the almighty boo!" "well bust mah britches, that shore is one mighty fine idea pardner! maybe one day we could use it against ee-rack!" and so everyone boos and simon cowell sits back and is happy that he gets paid the same amount of money to say less.
tomorrow me and jiayan and angela and xingning and gen are going swimming! i'm a bit concerned because when i look down i can't see my toes. this is very strange. i mean, i did 5 whole crunches!
| mando | 8:21 AM
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
i went for my first driving lesson at an ungodly hour in the morning! my instructor is very nice and very helpful in the department of helping me not knock down motorcyclists and smash his car into itty bitty pieces. its really too bad for him that i drive like a little old lady with parkinsons.
anyhoo i have just started taking this medicine for bad complexion that supposedly helps you for life. it also conveniently throws in a couple of side effects such as making your skin look like you have aged overnight and should be taking incontinence drugs, and it makes your lips crack so smiling becomes a bit of an issue, and, hey, why stop there? for the very low price of $99.99, it gives you nausea and headaches too! absolutely free! it's supposed to make your face peel, but right now only the sides of my nose are peeling off layer by layer so eventually the rapid exfoliation will make my nose fall off! when that happens i will pioneer the noseless girl foundation! donations welcome! i can totally see how this drug will help me for life, can't you?
| mando | 8:40 AM
Monday, May 03, 2004
today me and xingning went out shopping and went to "that cd shop" and listened to some chanty music by buddhabar and bombay beats. then we saw a cd that said "sex lounge : music to make love to" and were highly amused! then we listened to a song on it by deepak chopra and demi moore. it starts with some zenlike beats and whiny music that sounds like a mosquito has built its house in your ear. and then suddenly a voice that sounds like buddha is talking to you says "a lover must be humble!" and then stops abruptly. and then demi moore says "i have died to myself, but live only for you!" i think this cd is the #1 problem causing singapore's low birth rates. when you are laughing when you are making love, it is probably quite hard to have babies.
| mando | 9:13 AM
Sunday, May 02, 2004
today i went to my grandmothers house and while we were eating dinner my two little cousins were staring at the tv watching a chinese kids show. li nanxing's wife was dressed up as a cross between a nurse and a milkmaid and she was talking to a bunch of overenthusiastic kids.
"little friends little friends, do you know what this is?"
"its the sun!"
"the sun! yay!"
then the kids galloped over to this open space in the middle of the singapore botanical gardens and started dancing furiously and singing a terrifying song :
"sun see him smile!
sun see me smile!
sun see tree smile!
the sun is so good!
don't care who also shine!"
all of a sudden, barney the dinosaur sounds very intellectually stimulating. i think the producers must have "communist propaganda video" on their resume.
| mando | 6:57 AM