Wednesday, June 30, 2004
yesterday there was darkness. because a valve decided to not give us gas for awhile, i had to jump around in the bathtub like a soapy chicken with its head cut off screaming and screaming before i finally realised no electricity doesn't mean no water and i could just rinse the soap off and step outside to see why there was darkness. we had to light tealights and sit in one room enjoying some family togetherness by the blistering heat of all the congregated tealights. i looked out the window and there were kids frolicking in the streets blinding each other with torchlights. and then i looked to the right and the condominium still had electricity! i imagined them to be cavorting merrily in their lit apartments mocking us by turning on their aircons and pulling random cold objects out of their running refrigerators and changing the channels on their televisions with manic joy! stupid condominiumers. my father and i were wondering how come the electricity wasn't coming back sooner. we thought the pub would be trying to get the power back on by desperately throwing office furniture into the burner or eating a copious amount of beans and farting furiously into their generators. i'm just glad the blackout wasn't on oc night.
today was our fourth malay lesson and we have learnt to say many useful things that are sure to pop up in conversation, such as "i like to eat beef" and "i don't want to sell my house" and "how many wives do you have?" eventually caroline
and me started getting bored and started using the malay dictionary to make up our own sentences like "i like to kill ants" and "i like lumpy cucumbers". i expect to be discussing the meaning of life with my maid any minute now. we discovered that supermarket translated into malay becomes "supermat" which i think is some kind of malay action hero whose special skill is powerfully relaking in one corner. we sang dayung sampan and pondered the meaning of goreng pisang. we also drew lots of cartoons of tofu man (who can never be destroyed). so far tofu man has rowed his sampan gently down the sungei and danced the pointy disco dance in saturday night fever. stay tuned for the adventures of tofu man.
| mando | 7:35 AM
Monday, June 28, 2004
it has come to my attention that there isn't enough monkey hugging going on in the world. poor unloved monkeys are swinging from tree to tree weeping tears of lonliness. therefore i wish you to embrace the monkey. have you hugged your monkey today?
anyway yesterday i had to drop my videos off at videoezy. and after an inadequate amount of reasoning i decided to drag out my old skate scooter and skate scoot myself to videoezy. i didn't actually anticipate everyone on the street looking at me like they thought i was a six year old girl with giganticism. i also didn't anticipate that little kindergarten kid pointing at me and telling his mom he used to ride the same scooter half a year ago. can't a person bordering on her twenties ride a skate scooter in peace anymore without being stared at like she was a three headed monkey? i think i need to print a special t-shirt to wear while skate scootering that reads "BO PIAN BICYCLE PUNCHEK!"
| mando | 10:53 PM
Friday, June 25, 2004
who does not heart the oc? more importantly, who can not like seth? i love seth. when he comes onscreen i have small seizures and need to be calmed down with large slaps to the face. to make sure that when people type the word "seth" they come to this post, i will type seth many times. seth seth seth seth seth seth seth seth seth seth seth sethseth seth steh sthsethsethtsth. anyway i love the oc. i love ryan and his wifebeater. i love summer and her ew. i love seth's stalker dad with his emotive eyebrows. i love to yell at mischa barton to get the hell off my tv screen. anyway i was reading a forum on the oc and i realise that people like to say "word" when they agree with someone. like someone says seth is the mightiest human being on the face of the earth. and then i could say "word". well sure, but which word? could it be the word nostril? or buttmonkey? which word could possibly express that much approval? i'm swinging toward nostril at the moment.
my cousin is taking off for america tomorrow all by herself. she wanted to catch a limousine from new york to philadelphia instead of asking my auntie to come and pick her up. so i was doing my cousinly duty and trying to put her on the side of caution. naturally i started telling her the entire story of the bone collector and how people get kidnapped in cabs and have their lungs and spleen ripped out and die a gruesome and extremely bloody death before the killer snaps off your little finger and debones it and places the little bone in a public place to shock people. i was thinking maybe i overdid it a tiny little bit, but then i thought, nahh.
today was my last day at the hospice. i was talking to apple uncle and he tried to slip me twenty bucks. and i took a long time talking him out of it and i told him that being with him was a pleasure and i really liked talking to him and cutting apples for him and cleaning up his poop for him. which is weird and gross, but yet bizzarely true. as long as i am wearing gloves. eventually we whittled the twenty bucks down to a packet of horlicks. it was some good horlicks.
| mando | 6:58 AM
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
i discovered that at oldnavy.com
they sell american flag printed bikinis. one triangle has stars and the other triangle has stripes. people who wear this to the beach are just asking for it. some talebuns who have ensconsed themselves comfortably behind a sand dune hoping to tan their turbans may pop out of nowhere and start unloading their machine guns into the poor lady's patriotic chest. "die evil boobies! die!!! evil boobies oppress my people!!!"
the first episode of the simple life aired on saturday. the two little rich girls don't know what wal-mart is. i'm an ignorant little village girl living in singapore (which as all americans know, is a little swamp at the southernmost tip of china populated largely by goats and chopstick farmers) and even i know what wal-mart is. however the production team has to be credited for taking the trouble to blanko paris hilton's ass crack when she unloaded her LV suitcase from the back of the pickup.
| mando | 2:00 AM
Thursday, June 17, 2004
since i have been sick for the past few days i have been engaging in the customary recovery ritual of eating porridge while reading a massive amount of comic books. comic books have more words than you think they do. like when the demonic evil force finally gets destroyed by a blinding heatwave, he doesn't just go "ahh! ahh! NOOO!! i'm melting!! MELTEEEEEEENG!!!". while he struggles there in the middle of the blinding heatwave like a perishing cockroach, he feels the need to explain to the universe and beyond exactly why he is dying. so he says "the heat -- creating quantum increase in the resistance within my circuitry -- sable shards, this is agony! and the humid air -- disrupting the synapse linkages!". makes you wonder how comic book writers would get by if nobody had invented the hyphen. and they like to stick apostrophes in everything. so a typical daily planner entry of an x-man would read something like
1000h - beat up S'ym
1300h - beat up N'astirh
1600h - travel to and save planet quan'yrh'binla'''chilliboombah
and people keep dying and conveniently reappearing because of complicated cloning methods so that they can impersonate their evil twin and have illegitimate children with their brother in laws while making deals with evil demons and taking over the world. its like days of our lives meets pinky and the brain! and they wonder why some girls like to read comic books.
| mando | 9:59 PM
Sunday, June 13, 2004
russell watson's first cd is pretty good! he has a song on it that we use for kickboxing! it has lyrics that go
'ncoppa jammo ja'
'ncoppa jammo ja'
funiculi - funicula
funiculi - funicula
'Ncoppa jammo ja'
funiculi - funicula
but which sound a little more like
yummoyummoyummoyummoya! yummoyummoyummoyummoya! kooneekooleekooneekoolaa! kooneekooleekooneekoolaa!
so much for trying to be an opera conossieur. and so much for trying to spell conossieur correctly.
anyway now they want me to be tiger lily. which i'm very honoured by and obviously i'd love to do, if it wasn't for the sudden realisation that if i actually go ahead with it, the only way i could keep from flunking out of university would be to leap around the rehearsal room singing and uluating holding gray's anatomy in one hand and a bottle of brand's chicken essence in the other one. maybe it wouldn't be so hard to say no to things if i wasn't hakka. it's in my blood not to throw things away. like, hey, what are you doing with that empty tissue box? i can put my cds in it. what, you mean you're going to throw away that termite-riddled cabinet crumbling to powder after decades of use?! there's big money in sawdust nowadays you know? don't they teach you anything in school? speaking of school, hurry up and fetch that big box of used exercise books from primary one and take them to the loo. we need to cut toilet paper costs. anyway because i probably will have to say no i am filled with the sadness. so if anyone would like to cheer me up, things that bring the happiness would be a black adidas shoulderbag and zara skirt and an aretha franklin cd. cash donations are welcome. for those people with their chequebooks out, please make those babies out to "utterly shameless dog".
| mando | 7:34 AM
Saturday, June 12, 2004
yesterday i went for the singapore idol auditions! mucho thanks to mingli and huiyi for setting numerous alarm clocks and waking up at an ungodly hour to wait with me in the great big enormous queue! and also mucho thanks to luohan and huixian for joining us later for moral support! anyway the night before the audition i did the traditional ritualistic dance around the Almighty Bottle of Nin Jiom PiPaGao and in the morning we sat in a great big enormous queue and listened to people say things like do re mi and la la la to warm up. anyway since we are singapore idol contestants they told us we are not allowed to say anything to the press if the press wants to interview us. we have to withhold information! yowza! i don't know why on earth the press would want to interview me or what information i could possibly withhold from them but i'm really psyched that i have something to withhold from them anyway! i never have anything important to withhold! anyway the audition was all kinds of fun and i got to hug lots of random people.
after that we all went to look at urban dream capsule
which consists of four bald men who live in a space equivalent to a terrapin tank and wave at people who walk past and write messages to people on magna doodles. one of the bald guys thought huixian winked at him. either huixian was feeling cheeky or it was an eye spasm. i wrote a note to one of the bald guys that said "i like your hair" and it turns out that he likes mine too!
then i went to eat dinner with gen and jiayan and we ran off to borders to demonstrate our highly honed intellect by sitting in the children's section reading about the amazing adventures of captain underpants.
| mando | 11:01 PM
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
yesterday we went to watch Harry Potter and the Long and Repetitive Title. it was good! although daniel radcliffe still looks like he's chewing on the fresh english mountain air around him while he talks, and although they suddenly tossed in the traditional token black student, and although everyone speaks so fast in a british accent that a lot of the time you can only catch things like "wot?" and "pass the scone", it was the best of the three harry potter movies so far. professor lupin looks suspiciously like that duke dude in moulin rouge. i was expecting him to start dancing around and singing 'like a virgin' mid-patronus. i think it must be the skinny mustachios. it looks like they hacked off charlize theron's eyebrows before Monster and transplanted them below lupin's nostrils.
my mom and me decided to make a pair of pants for my grandma. before we started using the nice black cloth, we decided to try the design out on the most obscenely hideous material in existence. after much stitching we have constructed a pair of pants which are half purple and half blue, have zebra stripes running across one half and down the other, and are topped off with yellow frangipani flowers. after seeing my mother try on the pants, i have since gone blind.
| mando | 5:11 AM
Sunday, June 06, 2004
i felt that today was going to be a boring day. i felt that if i didn't do something i would be sitting at home all day examining my toenails and measuring them periodically. so i bugged huixian and luohan to go down to suntec with me to sign up for singapore idol (thanks huixian and luohan!). today was just registration and the audition is this saturday. but somehow i was slacking around in the queue (which consisted of me and huixian) and this singapore idol crew guy came up to me and started talking and talking and somehow i ended up being interviewed with a big fuzzy sock-shaped microphone suspended over my head, and giving the stupidest interview answers in the world.
disclaimer : if they show it on tv and if you recognise me, please bear in mind that my degree of stupidity is normally not at that level. i am actually much stupider. the only way i will resemble a human being with normal intelligence is if they cut out all the parts where words come out of my mouth.
exclaimer : &*@#$!*#@!^#!!
| mando | 12:35 AM
Friday, June 04, 2004
i'm trying to get new furniture for my room to make it more conducive for studying. because you never know, being in university there's always the off-chance that you might
have to do some studying. i didn't know where to put things so i would stop bashing into them when i walked around the room, so i decided to consult the interior decorating section of teenvogue.com
. unfortunately all the girls who have their rooms published on teenvogue.com look like they eat like mice but their rooms have enough space to house a few herds of elephants and the odd rhinocerous. so i consulted the ikea catalogue but their rooms are still too big. i am thinking of consulting 'the happy hamster's guide to cage decorating' soon.
yesterday while me and my mom were driving home from ikea at night, we stopped at a stoplight and someone bashed us from behind! so we went "ahh!" and hopped out to make sure the person didn't run away. slightly drunk dude slithered out of his car talking on his handphone saying things like "no, nothing. nothing lah. nobody lah. no i'm coming soon. nobody. nobody." gee, do you think he's trying to hide something from someone? so i asked my mom to corner his drunk ass while i ran to the car and got out my trusty notepad and pencil that i took to ikea to take down his particulars. i think i whipped it out so fast that he must have thought that these two crazy amazonian women spend their whole lives lying in wait along dark junctions waiting for drunk dudes to smash into the rear of their car.
| mando | 10:00 PM
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
today i went with my mom for my tiger lily callback! the map to the stage club headquarters said "located close to scgs". what they didn't mention was "located right at the end of a long series of narrow and sharp turns which could potentially send you crashing off a steep cliff to your doom". but i guess that wouldn't be too great for publicity. so after my mom drove past the long series of narrow and sharp turns which could potentially have sent us crashing off the steep cliff to our doom, we arrived at this decrepit old colonial house in pitch darkness with an unlocked front gate and a little sign that said "the stage club". it was impossible to turn back on that little winding road so we had two options which were to #1. sit in the car and listen to gold 90fm on the radio until we grew little beards and started decomposing in the front seats, or #2. open the scary little gate and go into the scary little colonial house. luckily we chose the second option and we were sitting in the yard waiting in pitch darkness making mature sounding ghost noises at each other and saying things like "wahh kia si lang ah!" and "gui ah! gui ah!" for awhile before a few other scared-looking people started showing up for auditions too. anyway my conclusion is that i will not be tiger lily because there is a nice 13 year old indian girl who everyone likes who suits the role perfectly! so this means i will have to pay for my tickets. dammit.
miss universe is on and a couple of the contestants have arms that you could break off from their bodies and use them to pick your teeth. i guess they chose them because when they visit starving people in ethiopia they'll be able to relate.
| mando | 8:22 AM