Friday, July 30, 2004
yesterday was matriculation day and we went to this booksale to buy our labcoats to protect our clothes from the seepage of dead bodies we are going to spend lots of time poking! i feel like getting my labcoat blessed by a priest in case any of the dead bodies posess any last traces of liveliness. wearing the labcoat i don't look like a doctor yet, but for the time being i can put on the coat and walk around pretending to be dexter and saying "la BOR a TOR ee!" to make myself giggle. i was thinking of buying a skull to put on my table, because you have to know what goes in and comes out of every ittybitty little hole in your skull. and also you can unlatch the top of the cranium and reveal the space where your brain is supposed to be. so you can put the skull on your desk and use it to hold things like cotton balls and hairpins! if i get a skull i think i'll name it murray. i was buying a computer, so me and luohan were walking around asking many questions about the laptops. i was scared to ask questions in case someone laughed at me. knowing me the exchange would probably have gone like "what's this?" "that's the screw. it holds the computer together." "oh. what's that?" "that's a screen. pictures move on it."
| mando | 10:27 PM
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
tomorrow caroline me and luohan are going to buy our schoolbooks. we need to buy six of them, and you could attach one of them to each side of a long metal pole and do benchpresses. carrying university textbooks home could soon become a new olympic category. i think we are going to need many oxen. and maybe a couple of sherpas.
i keep walking past advertisements for "the house of flying daggers" and then i have to stuff something in my mouth to keep from laughing. i can't decide which is worse, having people stare at you for laughing to yourself or for stuffing something into your mouth. you know how ancient chinese brothels were called things like "house of peony" or "madam wong's house of lily"? "the house of flying daggers" now sounds like an ancient chinese S&M club. good title there folks!
| mando | 9:14 AM
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Gwenda, jialin and me made plans for today to go to the zoo and experience second childhood! not the kind of second childhood that makes you crap your pants, but the kind where you point at smelly animals and say that they are cute! naturally, since the outing was outdoors, Rainy McShittyweather decided to make things hard for us in the morning, but it cleared up later so we could go to the zoo like nontouristy tourists. at the first enclosure that we went to we were supposed to be amazed at the majesty of some kind of moutain deer but we ended up laughing at a turtle who kept trying to climb out of the water and kept falling back in. and thusly we made good use of the $18 entrance fee to see exotic animals. its funny how the enclosures seem so much smaller now than they used to look when we were little kids. the camel for example is allowed all the vast open space of a hdb children's playground. it must be really boring when all you do all day is wake up, scratch your hump, note that the pile of droppings you created yesterday is now gone, and go back to sleep while people wave at you trying to make you do interesting things.
gwenda, jialin, me and a bunch of storks who have taken a quick break from delivering babies to math and gp teachers all over the island.
we went to catch the monkey show at the amphitheatre. and is it so wrong that i still laugh at the monkey show? is it so wrong that i am still amused that the orangutan is into spanking his trainer? is it so wrong that i have a mental age of 9? but seriously the orangutan trainer must have the most abused buttocks in the country.
we also caught the polar bear feeding display. which consisted of bits of meat being chucked into the toxic green polar bear pool and the polar bear diving in after each bit of meat and giving exasperated looks that may have said "could you please for the love of mike stop chucking things into my pool!"
the elusive leopard wasn't in the main part of the cage when we went to visit him, and instead we played where's wally with the picture of the elusive leopard. below is us spotting the elusive leopard!
when we finally found the leopard, it was pacing back and forth right in front of the glass really fast with a manic look in his eye. he was like one of those bald tattooed guys or betrayed wives in prison who do chin ups and run around the prison basketball court so the next time someone opens the door to give them a piece of crusty bread they can bust out and run off to kick someone's ass. i bet whenever the leopard goes to sleep after a long day of hard pacing, he dreams sweet dreams of escaping to the forests of macrichie reservoir and feasting on unsuspecting sweaty joggers.
for your viewing pleasure here is a picture of some possessed raccoons.
"must..raid..garbage cans.. must..also..pose..like in yearly class photo.."
me and jialin were discussing ah meng. ah meng has been around for a very long time. we were discussing whether ah meng was really dead. but i think that ah meng can never die! ah meng is immortal! ah meng is like one of the founding fathers of singapore! everyone knows who she is! people want to have breakfast with her! people want to take pictures with her! people write books about her! when you look at it that way, ah meng is almost like lee kwan yew. anyway if ah meng ever passed on to a better place with numerous bananas, the zoo would just replace the old ah meng with ah meng II and unsuspecting people would flock to the zoo to have breakfast with impostor orangutan basking in her predecessor's fame and fortune! anyway jialin just told me that since her friend's mom works in the zoo, she now knows that the zoo is very political. this is true. i just heard the zebras planning to pull off a big coup around national day and the spidermonkeys are planning to overthrow the baboons.
and that is the end of my trip to the zoo. if you ever go to the zoo, please watch out for falling monkeys!
| mando | 8:34 AM
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
on today's 'enjoy your last week before you head back to a lifetime of toil and drudgery and eyebags that hang low and wobble to and fro' agenda was sitting on my living room floor with amelia, michelle and moira watching CSI continuously until our eyeballs started melting in their sockets. watching CSI with a group of friends involves pointing at every new character that pops up onscreen and yelling "HE DID IT! HE DID IT!" actually i do it all the time when i watch by myself. that way, when one of the characters actually did do it, i can say to myself "see? i knew right from the time i laid eyes on him that he did it!" then i can congratulate myself on being intuitive. i can't help it. its a gift. anyway its just buckets of fun to be intellectual. its also buckets of fun to spot actors that you've seen before play dead people, or walk around onscreen looking suspicious. today we spotted that girl from clueless (who talks about bullet striations like she's giving a step-by-step tutorial on the how-tos of cellulite concealment), rachel's ex-boyfriend barry from Friends who bears a striking resemblance to mr potatohead, the girl from Bring it On whose ass needed to be eaten, and julie cooper and kirsten cohen from the oc! in the same episode! aw. they're friends.
jiayan and me tried to tackle the west end dance class again with no dance background! we thought it would be better because they were starting a whole new routine. the new routine was from Miss Saigon, and since it involved a lot of spinny movements and whipping your head around like the vomiting exorcist kid, i wound up being one of the most unsexy vietnamese prostitutes in the world. eventually i got through the class by flailing my hands violently, trying not to hit anyone with my flailing hands, and standing very still whenever a dance move with a french name came up.
and the other day i heard something on radio, you know the class 95 show with eugene low? the guy who tries to force feed us his slice of life? on that day's slice of life, eugene low told us that although terrorists' main goals seem to be to destroy and kill, deep down inside they are actually searching for love. dude! you could have told us that earlier and we could have gotten us some world peace by dropping a crate of hershey's kisses on kabul!
| mando | 8:58 AM
Sunday, July 18, 2004
on saturday caroline and huixian came over for some quality tv-staring time! we had lunch at the fish and chips place which served us something they call mushy peas but which i personally like to call the regurgitated contents of a baby's stomach. but i guess that wouldn't fit on the menu. they made me watch final destination which was actually pretty funny because caroline kept pointing out important details like kerr smith pissing in his pants when he almost got run over by the train. and seeing sean william scott's head fly off and bounce around was a big plus. very exciting. and then we rooted through my wardrobe to dress huixian up for a party. which was cool, because my parents wouldn't get me the my-size barbie when i was little. believe me when i say she ended up looking hominahominahomina!
since my bicycle doesn't have a bell and i'm too cheap to buy one, it's getting really hard to pass people in tight sidewalks or crowded east coast park roads. so now i either have to trail behind strolling couples or really fat aunties clearing my throat and spitting into drains until they realise i'm there, or i have to start going 'bringbring! bringbring!'
| mando | 7:19 PM
Friday, July 16, 2004
we went to eat buffet at vienna yesterday and i think we spent most of our time wondering how to eat the food that they laid out. soup comes in a teapot. juice comes in test tubes. i think they were trying to delay the ferocious singaporean eaters by confusing them with hard to use food containers. we discovered that although the oysters and the salmon are real, the abalone definitely is not. but in case that counts as slander, i must say that it was the nicest shaped and the softest abalone i've ever eaten! and i don't know if all oysters look like that, but the one i ate looked a little bit like an alien foetus wallowing in extraterrestrial birth fluid. yum-mee.
tasty test tubes! (see what i did there with the alliterating? huh? huh?)
anyway have i told you how much i cannot stand CSI Miami? i especially want to jam a large fork in the eye of horatio kane. the sole reason i even bothered remembering his name was to tell people who don't really want to listen how much i hate him. that and also he keeps telling people how funny his name is. "yes, my name is horatio. isn't that a funny name? Ha Ha Ha! did you know that i have to tell people that in every episode because its a terribly terribly important piece of crimefighting information? seriously, it could save the world man." and he keeps putting pregnant pauses in between completely undramatic sentences like "it looks like...murder." "i'm...hungry." His pauses are so pregnant i keep expecting them to suddenly give birth to a set of quintuplets. hey you! dude with the funny name! speed it up a little. old men with alzheimers talk faster than you.
| mando | 2:46 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
my mom is an insecure cook. she's very good but she thinks her tastebuds aren't reliable and for awhile for every meal or cake she cooks she hovers around her masticating family and slips in questions between chews like "how is it? is it too salty?" "did i put too little sauce?" "do you think the chocolate chips in the cake are in an aesthetically pleasing position?" today she made a breakthrough in self confidence 101 and said "my cake is really nice right!" way to go mom!
today the judo girls went swimming again and we tried to teach huiyi how to swim. she's not swimming yet but she has learned how to put her head underwater and mooch piggyback rides from luohan. and luohan just told me that kids pee in the pool. apparently you know this is happening when they look guilty and you can feel the water getting warm. i am seriously considering never going to a public pool again and just digging a hole in my backyard and sticking a hose in it and wallowing it for the rest of my life. if i ever become really rich i am going to build a nice private pool and get one of those pool chairs you see on tv that hold drinks and only lets your legs and ass dangle in the water. so when you notice an increasing wrinkliness in my buttocks, you will know i am rich.
| mando | 7:29 AM
Monday, July 12, 2004
today on spiderman, kirsten dunst decides to make use of precious screen time to perfect the art of screaming eardrum-rupturingly! a lot of innocent asians die, namely "asian scientist guy", "chubby chinese girl stuck in new york disaster #8342858" and someone who is credited as "clawing nurse". i'm not kidding about the last one. and i dont get why peter parker has to keep blowing mary jane off and telling her he doesnt love her because he has to protect her. dude, whether or not you guys are having the el smoochoes she still gets grabbed by the resident evil dude of new york and hung off a bridge or stuck in a collapsing building in every movie anyway. and i like how doc ock talks to his intelligent arms. "yes, you're right. my life's work was just wasted." "what's that you say? to fulfil my dream i have to build a new machine and reevaluate my calculations and steal a bunch of precious metal and along the way destroy new york like the green goblin and godzilla and al qaeda have been trying to do for years but never managed to do?" there is so much to be interpreted from a snap snap.
after that i went to dance class with jiayan and we stepped into the advanced beginners broadway dance class. i should have known the word advanced was there for a reason. anyway they were continuing a routine from last week that we knew nothing about, and it was from Cats. so i am possibly the clumsiest cat in the entire universe. normally cats jump from the 7th storey of a building and land safely and soundlessly and then they start licking their butts. i'm the kind of cat that you stick on a large chair half a metre off the ground and i immediately fall off and kill myself.
anyway here is the offspring of tofuman, the tofutods! (now available at your neighbourhood thai express)
| mando | 8:47 AM
Thursday, July 08, 2004
yesterday was OC day, which meant that i could finally spend a fruitful hour convulsing in front of the tv adoring seth. yesterday seth engaged in much smooching! when did he start being ok with smooching anna? its a weird transition. which i wouldn't mind as much if anna didn't mince around the place lisping and blinding me with her neon red lipstick and dragging out her lines for as long as possible trying to weasel more screen time for herself. you must remove yourself from the lips of seth, anna!! and we also learned that they have really bad light in chino.
i also talked to my cousin who's reached america safely! big hoopee! she enlightened me about the happeningness of america by telling me that she got into a car accident in her first week! she is busying herself eating an unhealthy amount of pizza and philadelphia cheesesteaks and making me come over all jealous that i didn't pack myself into her suitcase and go with her. apparently although she is full blooded chinese singaporean, the minute she stepped onto the malaysian airlines flight and had stopovers in KL and Dubai, she immediately took on the turbaned form of a terrorist and got detained at Newark airport. she eventually got released into the loving arms of my aunt and cousin and proceeded to philadelphia to get involved in a car accident and a fourth of july barbeque. you can read about her indecent amount of american shopping here
tonight i am going with caroline to have a nice big dinner and watch mean girls slap each other and try to make each other fat! ahh my bright spot in the week.
| mando | 8:13 PM
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
i was thinking about swimming and was thinking that since my swimming consists mostly of floating and sinking alternately, wild spasming, and gasping like a dying cockroach, i should maybe stick to wading. i feel like getting one of those inflatable wading pools and filling it up with water and putting it out on my balcony and lying in it and slowly charbroiling myself to crispy perfection. this way i can either fool people into thinking that i either take part in a lot of water sports, or have enough money to lie in a tanning bed all day.
translating from english to chinese is turning out to be really really difficult. it's harder than finding JLo a marriage that will stay intact for more than two weeks. i'm supposed to translate what this guy said about my uncle the motivational speaker, which is "Harry has a sharp and inquisitive mind" but instead it seems to be coming out in chinese sounding like Harry is a chirpy primary three student who has genuine interest in what shape the angsana fruit is. and we all know that everyone who pays big money for a motivational speech wants to be taught by a nine year old kid.
now you should all prepare yourself for the astonishing marvel that is the adventures of tofuman! last week on tofuman, tofuman dayung sampaned gently down the stream.
this week in malay class, tofuman was posessed by the all-powerful spirit of cookie monster and ate a large chunk of fudge!
i think we should give tofuman more exciting things to do. because although he cannot be destroyed he sure lives a really boring life.
| mando | 9:00 PM
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
today me and huixian, the girls who cannot swim, went swimming! i have discovered that wearing goggles and taking them off has adverse effects on your hairline. i am shocked that ian thorpe's hairline is not right at the back of his head right now. and we realised that although we didn't get much of a tan there are some patches on our arms that seem to be blackened with soot. so we are like those annoying chicken wings that you hold over the fire for 2 seconds and they burn crispily on the outside but are still all raw and full of salmonella on the inside! yum! and there were a lot of people at the pool who in the span of two hours didn't manage to get themselves wet at all. they just plopped themselves on deckchairs like slapping themselves on the grill and marinated themselves periodically with coppertone tanning oil. in two hours they were the enviable colour of a juicy piece of nutmeg pork and i still looked like the underbelly of a fish. anyway xian and me have learnt to swim! although we are still swimming breadths of the pool. breadths of the training pool. but at least we did it without the 'couching' of flyer-distributing swimming teacher 'uncle yeo'! uncle yeo certainly sounds trustworthy.
anyway i watched a bit of The Eye the other day and it was the bit where she was making scared noises in the lift while the dead uncle stood at the corner of the lift facing the wall and looking down. i don't know why dead uncle was there but it looked like his death involved peeing into the corner of the lift. maybe he got electrocuted or something.
| mando | 7:19 AM
Sunday, July 04, 2004
three out of four judges think that the sound of tires on gravel is not very pleasant to the ears! actually neither do i. but anyway it was quite amusing to see the four of them sitting high up on a podium staring down at you. i think this is what it must be like to die an egyptian death and have all these animal headed gods waiting up on a fluffy cloud watching you and waiting to weigh your heart. i could feel the light of heaven shining on me! or maybe it was a powerful spotlight. anyway since they were all up on a podium and i am not the tallest person in the world (shut up jianyang) it was hard to make eye contact because the place where i normally look at an audience is somewhere in the region of their knees. befriending their knees is a bad move! anyway the last round was more fun because this time nobody really wanted to talk to each other and people with cameras kept prowling around and jumping on you and making you talk to their little black box. on the bright side, one of the crew thinks my bag rocks! it was such a draining day. they locked mingli and huiyi and michelle and gwenda up in a little freezer and tried to feed them ricola candy and imposed the music of william hung on them. william hung! why?? oh the sweet rewards of supporting your friends. anyway thanks you guys for going down although it was dead boring! and thanks caroline and xian for removing the sadness!
i'm trying to help my uncle translate his "how to regain perfect eyesight" notes into english. it is many pages of how to regain perfect eyesight. it is also a long and painful process. having to flip through the dictionary for every single word is slowly and steadily wearing the fingerprints off my thumbs. ironically while translating the eyesight notes i am going blind.
| mando | 7:52 PM
Saturday, July 03, 2004
today i will go to suntec city to see dick lee and ken lim and florence lian and that other dude with the abundant hair and orange sunglasses. the almighty bottle of NinJiom PiPaGao has failed to get rid of thick phlegm like it promised on the detailed effects booklet (complete with cartoons of people hacking up large loogies and smiling satisfied smiles). but it did wind up having unexpectedly laxative effects which i'm sure will be of much help later. i think when i sing my song it will be a pleasant episode of "lalala! lalala! hold on. hakk pooi! lalala! lalala!" i mean, isn't that what everyone wants to hear on an album?
we finally had a successful class dinner yesterday! helping to organise a class dinner is harder than trying to organise a UN peace conference but we finally had a nice time and we were all able to marvel at how nice and manly and tan the boys still look after 2 days of escaping from government service and how loose yucai's pants were.
anyway about the apprentice. the one and only black lady tossed in for dramatic effect is really getting on my nerves. when you call some other egomaniac competitor a beeyotch when you aren't exactly tiptoeing in the meadows flinging daisies in the air, and she yells at you that you're calling the kettle black, she isn't exactly trying to reestablish apartheid. her friends probably have to restrict their vocabulary a lot. because if you say "blackberry" or "black forest cake" or "blackbird" you automatically become hitler. hi there! you may want to brush that little chip the size of the great wall of china off your shoulder for a bit before it crushes you into a mass of twitching pulp!
| mando | 7:34 PM
Friday, July 02, 2004
the hello broadway concert was phenomenal! welly yang is a chinese man who can sing! too bad he is also a chinese man who pronounces his surname wrongly. he signed my programme as "welly". so either we are now very close and have a karmic bond with each other or his hand got tired. i also got to see judy kuhn (pocahontas) in action! and change dresses at a rate of 3 per minute! anyway it was a good concert! there was a round of neverending applause at the end which confused everyone because usually we have tired hands and the singapore symphonic orchestra who doesn't seem to have experienced neverending applause before looked a bit confused. since the neverending applause didn't seem to have a fullstop they had to drag everyone out from the wings and the men didn't have time to put on their shoes so they sang les miserables with the whole world staring at their socks. the singaporean lesson learned today is that eternal clapping of hands gets you more value for money at concerts.
| mando | 8:46 AM