Sunday, September 26, 2004
today i saw an article about a new trend in cocktail parties where everyone eats and drinks and has a good time and after the dishes are cleared everyone retreats to the living room for a quick round of botox. gee. i guess jenga and scrabble aren't cool enough anymore. why not take it up an notch and get some weight loss activities going on, like during dinner, wouldn't it be really urban to have everyone sit around and look happily at their empty plates while making polite conversation and inhaling a satisfying amount of oxygen? i don't even know what really urban means, but i guess it doesn't really matter because you'd pop out of that party looking like kate moss! big whoopee!
i just got a free bedside clock from an investment scheme, and it's really cool because its free and also it projects the time onto the ceiling when its dark. and having the time projected onto the ceiling is really useful for people who don't have the drive to prop themselves up on their elbows to look at the clock sitting right next to their bed.
today was my last driving lesson before my test on tuesday, and although i don't really stand a good chance of passing, i feel that i've really improved in the area of not killing people. just a few lessons ago i almost ran down a motorcyclist and a mother and son combo, and today i hardly came close to hitting anyone at all! all i did was frighten a few passing learner cars, which is an enormous step forward! who wants to hi-five me right now, huh? letters of congratulation are totally welcome!
its mooncake festival and so right now these little kids are walking around under my window playing with their electrical lanterns that play christmas carols, because rudolph the red nosed reindeer is a multipurpose song and can be used for every festival on the face of the earth. anyway i want to carry lanterns around again like when we were little. but i'm supposed to be too mature for that until i pop my own little kids out of me, and those kids will want to lug lanterns all over the country, and my arm will be twisted and i will be forced to carry some lanterns and run all over the place with them! i have just unraveled the whole rationale behind having kids! i have to go congratulate myself now. anyway mooncake festival was one of my favourite festivals when i was a kid, because during christmas all my relatives gave me tupperware. which is what every kid at that time put at the top of their letters to santa, by the way. our primary school teachers used to have these moongazing sessions to make us more cultured, and during those sessions we had a lot of educational fun learning how to set fire to other people's lanterns and the school field. its at times like these when you're studying indoors and you walk to the window and look at a dazzlingly lit pikachu twirling cheerfully on a stick to the joyous tune of jingle bells that you really start to feel old.
| mando | 4:42 AM
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
lately i have been itchy. and since i have amazing powers of suggestion, when i mentioned it to my mom she suddenly had the urge to scratch herself and make a list of the things that could possibly be making us itchy. after much pondering it has boiled down to the lacquer from my new ikea furniture, new shampoo, or the possibility that we could be allergic to brazilian chicken.
today after a long oc drought that nearly caused the twitchy cold turkeylike deaths of half the singaporean population, once more there was seth! ok maybe it didn't cause the twitchy cold turkeylike deaths of half the population. maybe it was just my twitchy cold turkeylike death, but usually once you start dying like a twitching turkey, the world tends to revolve around you. anyway oliver is really getting that satanlike stare down! he is king of the satanlike stare. more power to him. the oc is an amazing show and i don't understand how they could postpone it for five weeks because some testosterony guys who punch each other as punctuation between grunts want to watch some big bald guys shove each other around to win a big heavy belt. anyway the oc is amazing not just because they have good clothes and cute guys, but because they can make mature nineteen year old college coeds like me and caroline argue with each other about which guy is cuter, luke or seth. it's like fighting over which planeteer kicks more ass with their pathetic little recycle rings. or who is more retarded, spongebob or patrick the starfish who looks like male genetalia. or which power ranger is more powerful. and while we're on the topic i used to like the yellow ranger and now we all have to make a pact not to tell the whole world how hopelessly pathetic i am.
the other day i went out with my judo girls and we did the things we usually do, which is walk around town and act like we're amazingly drunk and scare people into walking far far away from us. actually i'm exaggerating and all we did was shop like normal perfectly sober people. except for occasional bouts of hysterical laughing and singing, but which normal person doesn't do that in public? anyway we discovered that samuel & kevin has produced a line of teeshirts in the name of S.H.E. and thoughtfully christened them SheTees. i find that strangely amusing. i wonder why.
me and my mom were watching the apprentice and wondering what the right hand woman of donald trump named carolyn actually does besides sit on the right hand side of donald trump and wear a knowing look. for someone who doesn't really do much on the show, that woman certainly looks knowing. if i asked her for the meaning of life she'd probably hand me a large binder file giving me the full rundown of why i walk the face of this earth with full statistics to back it up.
| mando | 7:23 AM
Thursday, September 16, 2004
somewhere in a distant corner of east coast, a window shatters into a million pieces and a small bird sleeping peacefully on the branch of a tree explodes into a bunch of feathers. ten kilometers away, amanda is prostrated in front of the television reacting violently to the results of singapore idol. today the judges made choices that can only be explained by an epidemic of extreme idiocy occurring in the studio. or it could possibly that they just like cleavage an awful lot. sylvester sim gave a face-in-pillowworthy performance of "when i look into your eye". dude has a thing for serenading cyclopses. i wish the judges would say something that wasn't completely obvious to a deaf, blind, legless grandmother. "i thought that was unimpressive." "that was good." "i have a neck growing out of my torso."
today i went for an audition for an inter-level play and spent a good part of the afternoon escaping around the stage from a guy playing a psycho. we also managed to choreograph a complex bhangra tango at the same time! look mom, i'm multitasking! after that i felt very very tired. running away from psychotic actors is exhausting!
i just watched the apprentice and today was one of the few times donald trump handed out a good reward! today he gave the guys three thousand dollars to gamble at his own casino, but normally he just brings them to impressive buildings to take a look at his personal donald trump(tm) ass imprint on his personal donald trump(tm) barstool. or his own personal donald trump(tm) patch of pedigree grass, which would bowl over anyone! if by anyone you happen to mean an eighty-year old hermit living under a rock in a small hole in afghanistan for his entire life.
| mando | 7:33 AM
Monday, September 13, 2004
my mom keeps making this ginseng drink from ginseng powder and making us drink it because according to her it has multiple beneficial properties like "it will make you smarter!" and "it will make your skin smooth!" and "it will make you suddenly irresistably attractive to men!". after drinking one cup before a driving lesson, i mounted the kerb a few million times and my instructor now has post-traumatic stress disorder. but when my brother drank it, he suddenly went all rocket-scientisty! we have now diagnosed that my brother has a severe ginseng deficiency.
anyway we keep having to print notes from the university website and it is getting annoying because my computer is infested with computer gnomes who do not like me to learn about blood. i hate technology. i wish they'd print our notes for us again. or maybe carve them on a stone tablet and give them out before class. how's that sound huh? everyone loves a good old stone tablet! moses made those real neat in his day!
i'm researching stuff for problem based learning now and i found out that there's something called scalp reconstrucion surgery! cool beans! this is groundbreaking news. it means that one day, i could possibly live the dream of having a head shaped like lisa simpson!
| mando | 6:43 AM
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
a month of university has passed and everyone is experiencing a scarcity of clothing. no not that
way, you perv! i've worn my clothes week in and week out in pretty much the same combination that my t-shirt wearing sequences are as trackable as the flight patterns of migratory birds. unfortunately for me and the rest of the female population, its wintertime in clothesville and everything they sell now is way to hot to wear in the blazing furnaces of nus. if we wore something from this season of mango around school we would probably lose half our body fluid in two minutes and squelch around school looking like giant human raisins! but i guess its okay, because the human raisin look is totally coming back for spring.
tomorrow is singapore idol day! so far singapore idol has not been lacking in the cute mat and cute chinese dude and female cross-dresser departments! let's have a big hooray for us! but we have been a little deficient in the intelligent judge category. all four of them keep playing "crush the contestant". high marks if you can land him in intensive therapy for the rest of his life! and bonus points if you can make him leave the television studio in a straitjacket gibbering to himself the lyrics of a fantasia barrino song. out here in the real world, we play spot the singapore idol contestant on campus! me and caroline saw dwayne (the guy who made famous the touching song entitled 'lalala') in the arts canteen the day after his tv appearance, trying to alternately look nonchalant and hide his face from prying eyes in his bowl of mee pok. score one! i am still waiting for sightings of joanna dong (my cousin's schoolmate) and david yeo (huixian's law senior) in his pink shirt.
my mother just painted my room while i was at school! thanks mom! it looks very professional and when my carpenter came over to collect his money he gave her the official carpenter thumbs-up of approval and threw in an extra twitch of his requisite carpenter hairy mole! this combination of carpentery movements seems to indicate that my mom is a painting guru. hopefully she will move on to learning how to use the pneumatic drill and cement mixer and we will never have to employ another contractor ever again!
| mando | 5:13 AM
Saturday, September 04, 2004
jianyang just came back from taiwan and got me a traditional taiwanese souvenir, a vulgar cartman doll. when you squeeze it, it tells you to go do something obscene to yourself! vulgar cartman is preprogrammed with four delightful vulgar phrases, specially selected to warm the cockles of his owner's heart. for ages 3 and up, from mattel! me and my mom spent an evening of family togetherness sitting around vulgar cartman and poking him in the stomach and feeling offended yet amused! vulgar cartman brings families together. get one for your kids today!
"stop putting bunny ears on my head, you piece of crap!"
| mando | 5:03 AM