Friday, October 29, 2004
it is once again that time of year. it is that time of year when singaporeans stand a chance to win a car. but this time you don't have to mash your body in between half a million other singaporeans and stick your hands all over the windscreen defiling a beautiful little nissan march! and you don't have to stand there for all eternity until your fingers fall off from gangrene, or everyone else suffers magnificent bladder ruptures because of insufficient toilet breaks, or vultures from africa fly across the oceans to decimate the weakest of the car-molesting herd! all you have to do is take the MRT and the bus and you'll be eligible for some lucky draw! unfortunately this also means that you will be mashing your body against the bodies of half a million other singaporeans. but the likelihood of getting gangrenous fingers and bladder ruptures or getting eaten by a vulture is considerably lower. but that is not the reason why this contest is good. it is good because our very own xingning is going to stand around dressed as a chinadoll babe handing out dragon beard candy in a tasty yet very irrelevant SMRT contest promotion! in wednesday's Life! section, xingning is standing smiling happily out of the window of a cardboard car. this is the only sighting of xingning i have been able to catch in a while! i am going to seek her out for a reunion and stand around reminiscing while eating massive amounts of dragon beard candy and giggling at her in her cheongsam.
halloween is coming! this meant that today in school, people were giving out orange 'happy halloween' helium balloons. which meant that many people were walking around speaking in high pitched chipmunky voices! we took great joy in singing the "wayne yap never give up song" to wayne in a chipmunky voice while wayne ran around tearing out his hair.
today was my favourite driving instructor's last day at the driving centre! he's got a new job and is moving on to watch over a bunch of shipping employees who apparently look like they just finished serving a prison sentence for murder, robbery, and torture of stray puppies. which actually sounds like a much less terrifying job than teaching people how to drive. anyway because it was his last day, we had a heart to heart talk, which resulted in an ahpek almost getting knocked down by me because i was busy listening to his life story. his life story involves drinking a large part of his teenage years away, and in between the shots of tequila he managed to set up his own graphic design business and almost kill himself on a motorcycle twice! it was a very interesting life story, and he's had a really exciting life, but probably a very cirrhosed liver. as a farewell gesture i knocked down a parallel parking pole for old times sake. i'll miss him!
| mando | 6:08 AM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
playhouse was yesterday and it was good! natalie
being the fantasticobombastico actress that she is won best supporting actress! congratulations to nat, who deserves a trophy shaped like a very muscular naked gold man with a sword covering his family jewels instead of a trophy shaped like an egg cup with ribbons on it, for her performance as a gloriously drunk and pissed off wife. we also won best props! our props team created what is probably the biggest cardboard anchor in the whole world! such a big cardboard anchor you never did see. so props to the props! too bad they didn't have a best sound effects prize for dj wayne yap indahouse. but if there was one, wayne, you'd have gotten the egg cup trophy too! everyone was great yesterday and thanks guys for making playhouse so much fun. now that i don't have to crawl around on the floor behind the library on my hands and knees pretending to kill jen heng by plunging the retractable knife into painful places, i really don't know what to do with my time. maybe i'll memorize 'kyle's mom is a bitch' and sing it to myself over and over until my head implodes. or maybe i'll take up snake charming. my mom was amused that all the guys kept walking around stage and pouring each other drinks nonstop from the cocktail table just to have something to do. a shipful of drunken alcoholics with engorged livers would probably all have dropped dead on the spot. i'm surprised we even needed a murderer! anyway thanks so much everybody who came to watch us and laugh whenever somebody got brutally stabbed!
the m3 and m4 plays were totally funny! ian matthews and a strange unidentifiable accent is comedy gold. i wish i had a videotape of the plays so i could watch them every day and laugh until i either developed washboard abs or until my diaphragm exploded.
| mando | 4:39 AM
Friday, October 15, 2004
so far playhouse rehearsals have been going pretty good! our cast and director (deniiiise!) kick lots of ass. however the corner where we normally rehearse in is infested with bugs. those flying plague carriers are just zooming all over the place disrupting our dramatic soliloquys! i don't even know what a soliloquy is, but it is not good to have them disrupted! like when somebody is strolling around the stage trying to portray intelligence or suaveness or internal frustration, it spoils the moment a little bit when they have to suddenly smack themselves in the face, or jump backwards screaming "yaargh!!".
the other day i watched a very entertaining indian movie where everyone started calling each other names and hitting each other. i realised that in indian movies, whenever someone hits someone else, its always accompanied by a sound effect that goes "bssht!", lending great realism to the domestic battle! and also whenever something happens in the village, like when somebody finds a coca cola can buried in the middle of a paddy field, they start screaming their heads off as if practicing for an air raid and the whole village pours from all four corners of the town to marvel at the great spectacle that is the coca cola can. unfortunately there was no dancing in this movie, because it was a movie about important social issues.
| mando | 6:31 PM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
yesterday was zhongyang and anhui's birthday parties! happy birthday guys! your parties kicked ass! zhongyang's party kicked so much ass that a strange fat man in a sarong wandered in halfway pretending to be zhongyang's father just so that he could join in the celebrations. and he kept smiling benevolently at everyone and everyone kept smiling uncertainly back at him while he and his sarong wandered through zhongyang's house checking out all the rooms one by one, until zhongyang came back and enlightened us about the non-fatherhood of sarongman. i think yauhong was planning to pull down his sarong, but sarongman wandered out again before anybody could do anything about him. anhui had a very martha stewart colour-coded party with a white and lilac theme where everyone had to wear white or lilac or both, with the interesting result that everyone was walking around looking like yam cakes. we ended up burning down a candle arrangement where nobody tried really hard to put out the fire and just watched it burn with pyromaniacal eyes!
today caroline brought me to her church, Lighthouse Evangelism, for a visit. we had a good session of worshipping God and i am sure that God was bebopping around in heaven with his angels all happy that his children were giving him praise! her church has powerful multimedia presentations that look like deleted scenes from Lord of the Rings. they were so powerful that when we were singing a song about rivers and healing flowing down upon us, and they started flashing scenes of mighty waterfalls and tropical thunderstorms and torrential streams, i wasn't thinking so much about healing as making a break for the toilet. these big churches really design their services to wring both heart and bladder of their worshippers.
| mando | 11:13 PM
Friday, October 08, 2004
halloween is coming! in america, you know halloween is coming by the changing leaves and the chilly weather. in singapore, you know halloween is coming because ntuc is starting to sell funnily-coloured mars bars. and as much as a green mars bar holds great appeal for me, i don't think i'm going to be eating much candy this holiday. unless i happen to walk past the palmer's aisle and my hand happens to develop a life of its own and happens to start uncontrollably rootling through the large assorted bags of palmer's halloween candy, and by some bizzare coincidence happens to find a bag of fudge filled eyeballs at the bottom of the pile. which will lead to my extreme obesity and much waddling. anyway in the spirit of halloween i have decided to push my skeleton right up against my bedroom window and make him wave at all the neighbourhood kids to give them the halloween gift of lifelong therapy! either that or they will think that someone in my house has become very anorexic.
david yeo has gotten kicked out of singapore idol! i feel sad. now he will be forced to study to be a lawyer and eventually be a lawyer and be compelled to cope with the stresses of a burgeoning income and make the harsh decisions of whether or not to get a kidney shaped or a rectangular shaped swimming pool. he's lost his one and only chance to sign autographs for sweaty teenage girls who think Blue isn't pop because they're made up of three white guys and one black dude. he will never again be able to perform in cheap venues with bad lighting and risk falling off the westin stamford during a stunt in the name of the presidents star charity of the nkf show or the anti drug show or the save the little lost kittens of bedok fund. he won't be invited onto the econ minimart variety show to pick a number out of a box to see who won a year's supply of taupok. i really feel very sad for him.
and now for the mandatory oc commentary! this week's episode was such a shocker! not because summer and seth had sex. and summer turned out to be a virgin. and luke and julie had smoochies. but because mischa barton actually put a cookie into her mouth and chewed it! and she did it convincingly and with great conviction! having not practiced putting anything into her mouth and chewing it for the past decade, i don't know how she managed to pull it off so nicely. i was wrong about her. she is
an actress after all! and my love for sandy grows more and more every week. i find myself torn between whether i want him to be my father or my very old and bushy eyebrowed boyfriend. which sounds just a little bit creepy.
| mando | 7:39 PM
Friday, October 01, 2004
yesterday we sent jialin off at the airport because she has a divine calling to go to germany and eat of the pork knuckle and drink of the beer and wear of the lederhosen. and also to study biomedical science and speak lots of german. i'll miss you jialin! have a great time over there babe and dress warm and remember to wash your socks and numerous abercrombie tee shirts!
some people have told me that i write funny stuff here. which is very weird, because i was actually going for quiet melancholy. apparently observing chimpanzees smack someone's buttocks isn't what most of the earth think is melancholy. i must have missed the memo.
yesterday caroline and me were at the airport having an airport study session. then we decided to reward ourselves with popeyes famous fried cajun chicken, which is so oily and calorie laden that eating a chicken breast is almost equivalent to shooting a barrel of lard right into the vein! this automatically makes it irresistable. so we ventured forth from our study table to the second floor of terminal two and discovered that popeyes was no longer there! after we recovered from a state of shocked collapse, we put our heads together and tried to decide what to do. which is when i realised that we had become the two female leads in the new summer blockbuster carol and manda go to popeyes
! we wanted to ask somebody for directions to the new popeyes, but we were afraid that if we asked the burger king burger flipper he'd realise that popeyes chicken kicks the ass of a single mushroom swiss burger and go into convulsions and start trying to burn his restaurant down. we decided to journey on bravely to terminal 1 in search of popeyes. after a few bizzare encounters with a cheetah, a lion, a vanda miss joaquim and people who gave us funny looks on the skytrain, we finally found the holy grail! it was a very oily holy grail, but it was still a holy grail.
and i failed my driving test last tuesday! it was a terrifying experience. although mostly for the tester. this means that i will be mainlining my parents' paycheck right into the greedy hands of the comfort driving centre instructors for a couple of months more. in those couple of months, expect to see driving instructors walking around with rolexes sparkling on their big fat overnourished wrists and diamond encrusted learner plates.
| mando | 8:36 AM