Tuesday, March 29, 2005
it's studying season! this year is a lonely study season. in jc, everyone used to study at the airport and human contact abounded! but this year, everyone studies in the med library. i'm too short to study in the med library because the tables in the library roughly reach the region of my neck when i sit down. and since i'm such a dwarf, i have to study at home where all the friendly elevatable swivel chairs are.
and i've spent the last few days with what appears to be the galloping consumption, hacking up a lot of unidentifiable substance. i have probably coughed up enough air to power a windmill for a year, and man is it tiring for my stomach. i'm still waiting for the rock-hard abs to set in. why would anyone pay good money for a california fitness membership when they can just go find someone with the galloping consumption and rub them all over their face?
i was in my grandma's room yesterday, and she was watching that new jeassea thyidor variety show (the other host timothy nga looks strangely like gen's boyfriend). and she was watching all these old ladies doing liu dong quan (flowing moving fist) exercises that involves rotating your hips and jabbing the back of your neck with your fingers. and grandma was like "haha! so funny! so funny exercise! haha!" so we had a haha moment about the so funny exercise, and i went back to whatever book i was currently sleeping on. fifteen minutes later grandma commenced her daily fitness routine of slapping herself forcefully all over to mobilize her fats. which is not a funny exercise at all!
i was just watching rachel bilson get punk'd
! they made her believe that her dog escaped and single-handedly turned over a mail truck and ripped up a fire hydrant. and made her agree to pay $30 000 for the water that came out of the fire hydrant. i wonder how much they really make on The OC. but aww rachel bilson is such a sweet little girl. i wonder how much i could get from her if i told her that her dog ran over here and tore up the foundations of my house. i was waiting for adam brody to pop up to whip open his can of whup-ass on ashton kutcher with his fists of fury, but adam, he never comes! but then again i wonder how much adam brody could do to ashton kutcher with his chicken arms. don't go for the skull, adam! it's his least vulnerable point! maybe you could rip up his trucker hat or something.
i've just spilled water all over my hastily made head and neck notes. and so now the facial vein drains into the internal jugular splotch.
| mando | 7:45 PM
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
i am giving up on american idol. i am beginning to get seriously fed up with this year's contestants, except cow-loving, tree-hugging kerry underwood. everyone likes bo brice, whose name makes him sound like a philandering, secretly homosexual character with two forgotten illegitimate children right off 'days of our lives'. alrighty, you're a rocker. but a rocker without a band is just a really old guy with long shiny hair banging his head all alone on a FOX networks stage to a preteen audience wearing GAP. man, you're hillary duff. i think that's totally hardcore. i am getting fed up with simon cowell, who seems to travel everywhere by cruise ship, because he sure does make a lot of references to people who sing on them. he ain't seen nothing til he's seen the singing dancing penguin with long red nails aboard the star virgo! it's time to update your 'british book of insulting analogies'. i think the 2005 edition is out on amazon.
huixian came to join carol and me for an airport mug! we gave her her extraordinarily belated birthday present, which was a little russian stacking doll that opens into enough little russian dolls to repopulate the entire earth with hollow wooden figurines! it was nice to see little xian again, although she kept falling asleep mid-mug. when you read her law notes which are full of words like "amnesty" and "inasmuch", you will understand why.
you see a lot of interesting singaporeans while sitting around at the airport all day. a guy at the next table took it upon himself to communicate very loudly with his towkay on his handphone for a good fifteen minutes. oh, just put on your yellow boots and fake mole, will you. after that, he decided to entertain himself and half the galaxy by playing cantonese opera mp3s on his handphone speakers. and there was still a little time before his flight, so he and his two traveling companions got out a nail clipper and started slicing away at their fingernails while everyone around them calmly watched projectile nail-clippings fly into their coffee cups. i am glad their gate opened before they had time for their toes.
| mando | 10:05 PM
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
today was an interesting day!
my grandmother was clearing all the large dead bats out of her topmost cupboards when she discovered my father's old skeleton in it! i don't know how she managed to survive the shock of a pile of human bones falling on her, but she sure is a fiesty old lady! me and my mom were rifling through the disassembled torso and i discovered that in his university days, my dad took it upon himself to draw on the skeleton's thigh with pink magic marker! my mom kindly wiped off the bones for me and bought a little plastic crate just to dump the bones in, and thoughtfully put it on the balcony outside my room for easy access. but now every time i climb up the stairs with my back to the bones, i keep worrying that suddenly an accursed rib is going to magically fly out and hit me on the back of the head! it is really unnerving having something that was formerly a human being lie around in pieces on the balcony. but now wally has a friend, and i think i'll name his new companion Bitsy.
if anyone was thinking about taking it upon themselves to get me an easter present, i would love a copy of bitter with baggage seeks same
! whoever thought of posing little easter chick peeps in unnatural positions for our amusement ought to win the nobel prize! chick peeps will one day bring peace and laughter to all of humankind. you'll see.
while we're talking about presents, the kickass birthday present from xingning just arrived! thanking you most kindly, xing! it's the coolest thing ever. words cannot describe the level of coolness of xingning's gift. i will have to show it to you. prepare your souls.
it's a lunchbox with Tim Burton's Robot Boy on it! i kept ogling lunchboxes in London, and xingning kindly picked up the hint! aww. i love you! i would give you a huge hug if my arms were long enough to bridge continents, but i guess i'll just have to wait til you come back.
it must not be very good for the ego to be mistaken for a dustbin.
| mando | 7:41 AM
Friday, March 11, 2005
exams are finished and so am i! to celebrate our doom, me carol zhong wayne lynn and daniel went to watch howl's moving castle! it's a pretty good show, and it even includes a few shots of a cartoon asscrack! wayne was trying very hard to search for the deeper meaning after the show when he hadn't even grasped the basic concept that the people in the show were angmors and not japanese. and i realised that with a little guesswork, anyone can speak fluent japanese! in the show, howl gives the old granmama a gift, and he says something like "obagi kimono sakae sushi teh PRESENTO!" ah so deska! so present is presento in japanese! aye cana talku dei jyapaneesa alruso! aye ama geniuso!
then we did what we do best, which is walk around aimlessly and talk rubbish. carol kept encouraging us to watch the boogeyman movie, and told us that her friend thought that the boogeyman was actually the boogieman. and then i started wondering why nobody ever made a movie called the boogieman featuring an all-singing all-dancing monster! the boogieman who moonwalks his way into your home at night and carts off innocent children to his boogiemansion for his own pleasure! i know it's an unrealistic concept, and it would never happen to anyone in real life, and maybe i'm just an ignorant fool, but it would make a good movie. the theme song of the movie could be "the rhythmn is gonna get you"!
i bought carol a little chocolate bunny with the words "have a hoppy easter" on the packet. there is a really long story behind this. once, for christmas, i had a christmas log cake. on this log cake were plastic santas, plastic christmas trees, and a plastic deer. i really liked the little plastic deer, so i picked him off the cake, only to discover that he only had three legs. thus i christened him hoppy. i kept this little plastic three legged abomination of nature around for awhile, then threw him away one fine day during spring cleaning. caroline was really pissed that i had treated hoppy that way, so i bought hoppy the chocolate bunny for her to appease her wrath. we soon realised that anything named hoppy seems fated to meet with death and destruction, because after carol put chocolate hoppy into her bag, he wound up like this:
on thursday, wayne drove carol, me, renjun and serena to the ITfair at suntec city to get renjun and me some ipods! after wayne executed a lot of impressive carpark acrobatics, we waded our way through the computer booths and scantily dressed digital camera promoters, and now renjun and me are the proud owners of a couple of beautiful green ipod minis! i don't know whoever got the idea of getting scantily dressed women to sell nerdy technogeeks a bunch of hard drives, but it sure is working. all the girls were like, "hey, i've got a good deal on some extra RAM! by the by, would you like to have a gander at my belly piercing?" anyway having an ipod is a lot like having children. renjun's kid is a model student who makes honour roll and is class president, and my offspring is one of those juvenile delinquents who hides behind the local liquor store and shoves glue up his nostrils. i nearly wanted to tear our my hair trying to set up my ipod, and after a sleepless night's worth of technical difficulties, zhongyang the guru of all things ipoddy helped me out and drove us to the apple store and we got things sorted out. thanks muchly to zhongyang, who has initiated me into what he calls "the super cool ipod family!"
apple is a terrible moneymaking syndicate that sells you the ipod mini at a reduced price by taking out all the necessary extras, like the charger plug, which i had to buy again for fifty bucks. if i had a piece of the apple pie, i would be swimming around in an infinity pool and drinking pina coladas specially mixed by my butler who i would call Perkins. the butler's real name would actually be Hugh Smith, but since i would have so much money from my apple shares, i'd be paying him so much that i can call him whatever i want. i have named my mini kermit the pod. here is a picture of kermit in all his capitalistic glory.
"hi ho i'm kermit the pod!"
my old discman, enraged by jealousy, decides to try to take the ipod out in a one-on-one gadget battle!
"you think you can take my place? i was spinnin' tunes long before you came out of the factory, yo! this is called kickin' it old school style! take that, you young punk!"
after that i went shopping with the bunch of boys and busied myself trying to hide my face while they ogled girls and practiced their flirtatious winks in public. angela didn't want to come shopping, so i had nobody to cheecheechee with me at their teenage perviness. we saw an ang mor girl who had a perpetual robotic smile on her face and walked like the screws in her joints were wound way too tight. all the boys thought she was immensely hot, but she looked exactly like a fembot from austin powers and it was as if she could start shooting bullets from her boobs any second.
mingli just had her 20th birthday and is now really old! happy birthday bengbeng and may you have the best 20th year anyone could ever have! we celebrated the aging process with all the judo girls at swensens and had a good night of fun, laughter, and free ice cream. xian also turned 20 last week! because her birthday came around exam time, she managed to escape a birthday spanking. happy birthday to my best xian!
anyway i have just put all the photos from my handphone on shutterfly, and you can check them out here
| mando | 6:02 PM
Thursday, March 03, 2005
it's exam time now, and i haven't been doing all that much with myself. mostly i've been going about the mundane, everyday activity of spending the afternoons with a shrivelly dessicated corpse. i tell ya, there's nothing like spending a good part of your day fervently poking a dead guy's eyeball and muttering the names of nerves to yourself. it really projects a picture of sanity. God bless our wonderful profs who give up their precious afternoons to point out lymph nodes to us!
having spent so much time around the previously alive, i think i'll give myself a little break by watching "shaun of the dead". reviewers say that it's the best zombie romance movie ever! well gee golly am i impressed! you know, because it beat out so much competition and everything. besides that, i think i've got a really busy day ahead of me! i've got to finish this six-pack of chicken essence, and then i've got a panic attack scheduled at noon.
anyway happy birthday to bang, who officially became a grandpa yesterday at the ripe old age of 20!
and best of luck to everyone getting their results back today!
| mando | 7:06 PM